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Ellen R. Sheeley Nonfiction Writer, Humanitarian, Lover of Books

Virginity Is Overrated


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September 3, 2009, 5:53 pm

Moi
Moi

In some countries, women are killed for not being virgins.  In a May 2005 paper entitled, "The Economic Advancement of Women in Jordan:  A Country Gender Assessment," the World Bank reported that 95% of the women killed in Jordan in 1997 for alleged violations of family honor were later found to be innocent of immoral behavior.  In other words, they were still virgins, even though they'd been otherwise accused.  The perpetrators acted as judge, jury, and executioner.  To hell with due process and basic human rights.  I wrote about this in Reclaiming Honor in Jordan

I didn't, however, write about pre-marital virginity examinations and hymen repair surgery.  About a month ago, a Jordanian institute, the Jordanian Committee of Religious Decrees and Islamic Studies, issued a fatwa saying that pre-marital virginity checks are now haram, or banned under Islamic law.  The fatwa called the practice a form of abuse against women.  Alhamdulillah!  (Translation:  All praise belongs to God!)  Prior to the fatwa, Mr. Mumin Al-Hadidi, the head of Jordan's National Center for Forensic Medicine, said he conducted around 150 virginity examinations a year (the Jordanian population is about six million), most of them on young women about to get married.  The fatwa doesn't rule out the use of such tests if requested by the judiciary but, if adhered to, it goes a long way toward restoring dignity to that half of the human species known as female.

Pre-marital sex remains a no-no for Jordanian women.  I knew never-married women in their 50s, 60s, and even 70s who told me they were still virgins.  One Ammani emergency room doctor told me it isn't that unusual for a groom to bring his bride--still dressed in her bridal gown--to his ER, distraught and demanding that her hymen be checked because she didn't bleed at penetration.  This particular doctor said that he then separates the two, sends the bride off to a private examining room, keeps her there for a respectable hour or so while he tends to other patients, releases her to her husband, and assures him in her presence that she was a virgin prior to their first coupling.  He knows that any qualifications on that could deem the marriage null and void and result in the brutal murder of the female.  But he also expressed his complete and utter dismay at the double standard, as well as the ignorance of males about female anatomy and the multiple ways a hymen can be broken.

Because the repercussions for a sexually-active, unmarried female are so great, some of them opt for hymenoplasty (i.e., surgical reconstruction of the hymen).  A private hospital across the street from one of the hotels I stayed in quietly offers the procedure.  I inquired about it when I went there to get a flu shot and was told it is a popular procedure.  I was later introduced socially to a hospital owner/administrator.  As I got to know him better, I asked about the procedure.  He said his hospital doesn't promote it but performs it for a few hundred dinars (less than US$500) and business is brisk.
 
Time magazine has reported that comparable surgery costs about US$5,000 in France and that "30% to 40% of both original and reconstructed hymens fail to produce the virginity-confirming bleeding when ruptured by penetration, anyway."

Does anyone know where I can find someone who will issue a binding fatwa denouncing this obsession with hymens and virginity and mandating gender equality and universal human rights?

Farzana  Versey

Farzana Versey says:

Ellen, virginity is a big

Ellen, virginity is a big issue even in our society, that is S.Asia. The rich are opting for hymenoplasty and questions to sexologists are often about 'what do I do about my broken hymen?'

While I think the desperation and destructive aspect of trying to appear 'pure' are detrimental, there is a huge cultural baggage that even the elite have to live with. There have been instances where girls carry chicken blood on their wedding night and in Indian small towns the mother-in-law even comes to inspect the sheets next morning.

Life is so full of conflicts.

~F

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

I can't judge this from the

I can't judge this from the female Jordanian's perspective, Farzana.  Really.  If the choice were between risking my life or getting a small operation, I'd probably opt for the operation.  It's a rational choice under the circumstances.

Yes, I've heard those chicken blood stories, too.  Another trick has to do with inserting a small blood-filled capsule that bursts upon penetration.  Sheets are saved and sometimes displayed to prove to all the honor of the woman.  Some women spoke with me about their discomfort at beginning a marriage with such deception, and then having to worry for life that they will somehow be found out.

It's a tough, tough situation for these women, and I am certainly not advocating for early or loveless sex or promiscuity, just less focus on the hymen and virginity and more on the total person.  A woman is not merely a transport vehicle for the hymen.

But then I am preaching to the choir here.

Yuma Michaels

Yuma Michaels says:

Who will issue a fatwa?

It sounds as if the Jordanian Committee of Religious Decrees and Islamic Studies is at least approaching the right track. Who knows how many more years it will take for people to actually get on the right track and make some progress? Sounds like women's work--if only women had the power to do their job!

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

Hi, Yuma.  Welcome to my

Hi, Yuma.  Welcome to my humble blog. . .and thank you for your comment!

Yes, I applaud this fatwa, and I hope it carries weight, but as with so many things in the Arab world, talk is one thing, action quite another.  The two don't always sync up.  But fingers, toes, and eyes crossed that this fatwa sticks and is but one of many that brings about positive change.

Jodi Thompson

Jodi Thompson says:

I'm glad they've made this

I'm glad they've made this step, Ellen. May they learn to not raise their sons to expect/demand that their wife bleeds upon penetration and instead expect/demand their children take care with each other. May they learn that sex is for sharing, enjoyment, stress release, connection, exercise, fun, and making babies, and not for power and control.

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

Yes, and that a woman's

Yes, and that a woman's value does not lie in her crotch.

Luciana Lhullier

Luciana Lhullier says:

Exactly! In some cultures

Exactly! In some cultures it´s a scandal if unmarried women are not virgins, in some others it´s a scandal if they´re still virgins! It seems that women´s happiness and reputation/popularity lie solely on their hymens! My dear friend F., I love her, but she can be quite over-reacting sometimes, was really concerned some months ago because her 19-year-old daughter was still a virgin! She´d say: but all her friends have "given", maybe there´s something wrong with her! Her daughter is a very smart and talented young woman who can make her own choices, and of course she knows her mother ;-), but her mom was reducing all her value as a human being to a part of her anatomy. In theory, it´s not quite different than reconstructing a hymen. It´s actually an equivalent in the other side of the mirror.

Jodi Thompson

Jodi Thompson says:

Lu, your friend F. should be

Lu, your friend F. should be pleased that her daughter is taking her time. She may very well be too busy to incorporate a sex life into her schedule. Perhaps she hasn't found a person she'd like to be intimate with. For goodness sakes, F., don't rush her. She has all the time she needs.  And really: she actually used the term "given"?  OMG, F. has some growing up to do. 

Luciana Lhullier

Luciana Lhullier says:

She does have some growing

She does have some growing up to do, Jodi, in many aspects actually. But she´s not a bad creature, she´s just confused sometimes. You should meet her mother...:-D The point is that Fabi´s not quite an exception, she´s just an exaggeration of a thinking that goes around. She´s actually concerned that her girl will be left out. It´s not uncommon for teenagers to be made fun of for the fact of remaining virgins. You know, I´ve been learning a lot in this project I´m working on with high school kids, and boy, some parents and some kids can be reeeally cruel.

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

:-)  Tell 'em, Jodi!

:-)  Tell 'em, Jodi!

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

This is really a high-class

This is really a high-class problem, no?  Most parents would be pleased if this were their biggest parenting "challenge."  I suspect, at 19, the daughter has had her chances.  But maybe she has other plans for her life and doesn't want to jeopardize them by tying herself down with a serious relationship or an unwanted pregnancy at a young age.  This is sensible. . .what's the problem?!

jitu rajgor

jitu rajgor says:

Even have bleeding after

Even have bleeding after first penetration will not help women if this surgery is going to be  much publicized . Man will have one more excuse to descriminate woman by saying, 'your's was reconstructed'.

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

Dr. Jitu, there is no

Dr. Jitu, there is no ethical or legal requirement in Jordanian medicine to maintain patient confidentiality.  And it's a culture of brutal gossip and unfounded rumors that take on lives of their own. 

The medical people I spoke with about this seemed sincere in their interest in protecting these at-risk girls and women, but I'm not convinced the overall social and medical structures support them.  And I'm quite sure that is on the minds of these girls and women when they go in for their hymen reconstructions.  The ones who can afford it most likely have it done abroad, to reduce the odds that they'll be found out.

Mary Wilkinson

Mary Wilkinson says:

The men are still holding

The men are still holding the keys on Chastity Belts.

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

And the double standard is

And the double standard is alive and well.  The men who judge these girls and women so harshly--even in cases of rape--are often the same ones who frequent prostitutes, make the lives of expat and foreign women a living hell because they think we are sexually available to them at any time (hey, they've seen porn films starring actresses that look like us), have affairs, take on second and third and fourth wives (still legal in Jordan), etc.  But, God forbid, a woman have a sexual thought or a sexual life or a mind of her own.  :-(

David Bakke

David Bakke says:

Ellen, It seems to me that

Ellen,

It seems to me that the key here is education and exposure. I am certianly not one for infringing on the rights and societies of other cultures, but inhumane treatment anywhere in the world, in my opinion, needs to be exposed.

Maybe not denounced, but at least exposed.

Ellen Sheeley

Ellen R. Sheeley says:

There is some exposure, but

There is some exposure, but I think most in the West are too busy with their own lives to take notice and immerse themselves in the concerns of the larger world.

I am for universal human rights, so I find it hard to expose injustice but not advocate for equality.  I can't see how--when everything is all connected--we can sustain a two-tier system, where some have a lot, but most have hardly anything.  That isn't going to work well forever.  What happens elsewhere does affect us.