Hello Lover

Dear Vincent,

Im fighting a losing war with myself. I want to call you. I want to hear your voice telling me you miss me and can't wait to see me again. I want you to tell me how much fun you had with me last night. I'm looking at my cellphone now. Waiting. It's not ringing. Because what I mean is, I want you to call me. I want you to WANT to pick up your phone and tell me these things. I don't want to call you, expecting. Wanting. Desiring. And when you tell me about your day, ask me about mine, and then that you will touch base with me later without saying any of these things - feeling disappointed. Dejected. Angry. Let down. And I cannot get angry with you for my expectations. Because I knew what this was and what it could be from the moment of its inception. And the fact that I miss you right now, that I can't wait to see you again, that I had such a good time with you last night....well that is how I feel.

I should probably stop seeing you. Realize that although I have you in my life, I'm still lonely the rest of the time. We can never progress past this point. No matter how many riveting discussions we have on the state of black relationships and family, the latest presidential debate, books, movies, poetry, music...Despite the feeling that I get when you kiss me, when you hold me...You already have your chicken dinner at home. I'm just that mac and cheese on the side. Logic dictates that I should leave you alone, after all you will never leave her and even if you did, I would not want you to leave her for me. I was in your situation once. And when I finally left him, I didn't do it for my sidekick. I left for ME.

And I'm not jealous of her. I dont want to be her. Because in her reality, there is a ME. Whether she knows about me or not. The thing about it is, I haven't figured out if you are just selfish, greedy or if you are really being neglected. And if you are really unhappy why not just leave? I know the answer to that one though. It took me YEARS to get up the courage to disrupt and upheave and turn my life upside down. 2, to be specific. It took me TWO YEARS of living a double life, and being frustrated and angry and resentful of him. Blaming him for this secret Jazz that I felt I had created because of him. I broke up with the sidekick first. Because I didn't see how I could take our NIGHT life and bring it to the light of DAY. Because without all the glamour and secrecy he was just another guy, with his own story and life and problems. And now that I was contemplating being newly free, I wanted to start over with someone new. And that someone new was ME. Newly single and Free after so many years.

So what is the point? We started off under this cloak of mistery. We can't cross over into mainstream. You're never leaving. While I'm seeing you the possiblity that I will give someone else a real chance gets slimmer by the second. I should leave you alone. Now. Right now.

One war at a time though. Right now I will work on winning the one against my phone.

I miss you.

Jazz