Red Room Picks The Onion
I Can Write 600 Words About Anything
Let's see now, where to begin...
In life, every single person belonging to the Homo sapien species-be that person man or woman, boy or girl, adolescent male or adolescent female-has a special (meaning unique and distinct) talent that sets him or her apart from the other persons belonging to that aforementioned group, the Homo sapiens.
Area Man To Start Curling His 2s
BURLINGTON, VT—After nearly thirty years of forming his 2s in a "sober, ordinary" fashion, local resident Howard Shorn announced his intention Monday to begin placing a small curl at the bottom of the popular number.
Area Man Well-Versed In First Thirds Of Great Literature
KANSAS CITY, MO—Malcolm Seward is a 38-year-old commercial kitchen designer, baseball fan, and avid supporter of public radio, but he said there's nothing he likes better than hunkering down in a comfortable chair, cracking open a brand-new copy of one of the world's literary classics, and reading the first 100 pages or so.
Books Don't Take You Anywhere
WASHINGTON, DC—A study released Monday by the U.S. Department of Education revealed that, contrary to the longtime claims of librarians and teachers, books do not take you anywhere.
STATSHOT: What Books Aren't We Reading This Summer?
1. "The Overcoat" and Other Tales of Good and Evil by Nikolai Gogol
2. A Rage in...
Freshman Term Paper Discovers Something Totally New About Silas Marner
STORRS, CT—A major contribution to the study of 19th-century literature was made Monday with the handing-in of "Silas Marner: Paper #1" by Lori Durst, a freshman at the University of Connecticut.
Underfunded Schools Forced To Cut Past Tense From Language Programs
WASHINGTON—Faced with ongoing budget crises, underfunded schools nationwide are increasingly left with no option but to cut the past tense—a grammatical construction traditionally used to relate all actions, and states that have transpired at an earlier point in time—from their standard English and language arts programs.
National Essay Writing Contest Now Accepting Video Submissions
NEW YORK—Citing a stark decrease in written submissions since 1994, representatives of the Michel de Montaigne National Essay Writing Contest announced yesterday that for the first time in the competition's 134-year history, video submissions would be accepted in lieu of skillfully written analysis.
Shakespeare Was, Like, The Ultimate Rapper
As an English teacher, I have to make The Bard resonate with today's youth. I get the same questions every year: "Shakespeare? What does this dead white guy have to do with me? He doesn't know where I come from, what I'm all about. He's not from the streets."
This Week, Let's Try A Reading From The Bible I Wrote
Excuse me, Reverend Dave? Before we begin, I'd like to make a small suggestion. Now, I know we're all anxious to find out what happens to Issac, and I'm not one to rock the Bible study boat—I'll leave that to Noah!
Science-Fiction Novel Posits Future Where Characters Are Hastily Sketched
OREGON CITY, OR—Science-fiction author Morgan Richards announced Monday completion of his long-awaited novel, Zeppelins Of Phobos. The swashbuckling tale of the battle for control of the solar system depicts a terrifying future filled with virtually indistinguishable characters who only communicate through stilted and shallow dialogue.
Masters In Writing Fails To Create Master Of Writing
PALO ALTO, CA—Despite completing all the requirements for a Masters of Fine Arts in creative writing from Stanford University in January, Jeremy Craig Kessler somehow failed to become a master of creative writing, sources reported Monday.
OPINION: Now That I've Learned About Foreshadowing, I'm Going To Use It In All Of My Stories
By John Grisham
Guess what? There is this really neat literary device I just learned about, and it's called "foreshadowing." It's this thing where, in the beginning of the story, you put in all these little "hints" about stuff that's going to happen later on. I can't wait to try it out!
Area Man Only Reads Books About Movies, TV, Music
GLENDALE, AZ–When Matt Kaiser gets tired of watching movies or TV, or listening to music, there's nothing he likes better than to curl up in his favorite chair and escape into a good book about movies, TV, or music.
STATSHOT: Unpublished Shel Silverstein Books
1. A Body in the Attic.
2. The Giant-Fanged, Hideous...
Long-Lost Jules Verne Short Story "The Camera Phone" Found
AMIENS, FRANCE—Literary scholars announced Monday that they have unearthed a 33-page handwritten manuscript of "The Camera-Phone," a short story believed to have been written in 1874 by French novelist Jules Verne, the man often considered to be the originator of modern science fiction.
VIDEO: Diet Book Author Advocates New "No Food Diet"
Area Eccentric Reads Entire Book
GREENWOOD, IN—Sitting in a quiet downtown diner, local hospital administrator Philip Meyer looks as normal and well-adjusted as can be. Yet, there's more to this 27-year-old than first meets the eye: Meyer has recently finished reading a book.
I Would Say To Kill A Mockingbird Captured The Most Interesting Part Of Our Lives
By Atticus Finch
As I get older and reflect on my life, my mind always drifts back to the time I defended handyman Tom Robinson against those trumped-up, racially motivated charges of rape. What a time it was. So much happened in that year and a half. Lessons were learned, innocence was lost, and a child put her fear of people different from herself behind her. There's no denying it was a narratively gripping time.
Mr. Special Foreign Man Won't Read Anything Not Written In His Own Language
CHICAGO—Greek-born resident Anatole Pialoglou was again engrossed in Greek-language reading material, this time a newspaper, throughout his morning commute Monday, incredulous passengers on Chicago's Blue Line reported.
Nation Afraid To Admit 9-Year-Old Disabled Poet Really Bad
LYNDONVILLE, VT-Afflicted from birth with a rare degenerative disease, wheelchair-bound Luke Petrowski has confronted his illness by penning heartfelt verse that touches on elements vital to our lives: love, spirituality, courage, grace, and hope.
Rules Grammar Change: English Traditional Replace To Be New Syntax With
WASHINGTON, DC—The U.S. Grammar Guild Monday announced that no more will traditional grammar rules English follow. Instead there will a new form of organizing sentences be.
There Are So Many Experiences I Want To Write About Having Had
As a writer, I have powers of observation far greater than those of the average person. Nothing gets by me. Sometimes, as I sit typing in my dank, dusty, windowless room, I stop and marvel at the tapestry of life. When I think about all the escapades that could inform my writing, my mind reels! The world is my keyboard's oyster—I just need to get out there and experience all the things that are waiting to be written about.
Unconventional Director Sets Shakespeare Play in Time, Place Shakespeare Intended
MORRISTOWN, NJ—In an innovative, tradition-defying rethinking of one of the greatest comedies in the English language, Morristown Community Players director Kevin Hiles announced Monday his bold intention to set his theater's production of William Shakespeare's The Merchant of Venice in 16th-century Venice.
Hilarious Hamlet Essay Circulated in Teachers' Lounge
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—A 10th-grader's hilariously inept essay on Hamlet was circulated in the Williamsport West High School faculty lounge Monday, eliciting mockery and bemused head-shaking from the teachers.
Commas, Turning Up, Everywhere
WASHINGTON—In the midst of a crisis that may have reached a breaking, point Tuesday afternoon, linguists, and grammarians, everywhere say they are baffled, by the sudden and seemingly random, appearance of commas, in our nation's sentences.
Magazine Announces Plan For Special "Sex Issue"
NEW YORK—In an unprecedented move that has sent shockwaves through the magazine industry, Jane announced plans Monday to publish a special "Sex Issue."
It's Good, Hutchins, But Is It Delta In-Flight Magazine Good?
I won't mince words with you, Hutchins. Your "St. Louis: Red, White & Blues!" article is good. Damn good. I'm reminded of a young me so many years ago, pecking out an inspired look at Scotland's 10 best golf courses. Yes, I know your article would more than pass muster at most magazines. But this isn't most magazines.
High School Production of Our Town Features Line Memorization
MORGANTOWN, WV—Surprised audience members reported Sunday that Morgantown High School's production of Thornton Wilder's Pulitzer Prize–winning play Our Town features line memorization, a marked change from last year's staging of Guys And Dolls.
Republicans, Dadaists Declare War On Art
WASHINGTON, DC-Citing the "proliferation of immoral and offensive material throughout America's museums and schools," and waving placards emblazoned with agit-prop fotocollage reading, "diE KUnst ISt tOT, DadA ubEr aLLes" ("Art is dead, dada over all"), a coalition of leading Republican congressional conservatives and early 20th-century Dadaists declared war on art in a joint press conference Monday.
I Don't Even Remember Writing The Tommyknockers
So, I'm doing this book signing for The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon at the Barnes & Noble on Manhattan's Upper West Side last week, and this woman comes up to me, gushing about how The Tommyknockers is her "absolute, all-time favorite book." The name really didn't ring a bell, but I figured I must have written it...
Ask An Upscale Gift Catalog
Dear Upscale Gift Catalog: My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year, and I think he could be The One. But there's one thing about him that drives me nuts...
The Sibley Guide To Birds Has Clearly Misidentified The Dark-Eyed Junco
I don't understand it. How could it have happened a third time? They've had two opportunities to correct it. But there it is, once again.
Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka
ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its line of complimentary comic art in sneering contempt, he revealed Monday.
Poet Takes Extra Five Minutes To Vague-Up Poem
ANN ARBOR, MI—After completing a poem originally titled "Last Dawnbreak," local poet Keith Taylor spent five additional minutes removing verbs and punctuation in order to give the piece a level of vagueness more suitable for publication.
VIDEO: Today Now! Host Tracy Gill Recommends New Tracy Gill Biography
Tracy Gill talks with the author of a new book about the morning show diva we all love to hate: Tracy Gill.
INFOGRAPHIC: Celebrity Childrens Books
From John Lithgow to Katie Couric, celebrities are taking up the pen to author children's books. What are some of the other big-name offerings?
Granta Derided By Philistines
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Granta, the award-winning quarterly literary magazine that features the finest in fiction, non-fiction, memoirs, interviews, essays and reportage, was derided Monday by a group of ignorant, uncultured philistines.
Wondrous World Of Fishes Last Checked Out 4/17/67
INDIANOLA, MS—According to a report from a pair of bored teens, The Wondrous World Of Fishes was last checked out of the Indianola Public Library on April 17, 1967.
Great Books Of Western Civilization Used To Accent Den
BETHESDA, MD–Beautiful, hand-tooled, leather-bound copies of the greatest works of Western literature "really spiffed up" the den of Elaine Gadsen Monday.
Novelists Strike Fails to Affect Nation
LOS ANGELES—The Novelists Guild of America strike, now entering its fourth month, has had no impact on the nation at all, sources reported Tuesday.
My Short Fiction Will Restore America's Romantic Spirit
Sadly, when I look around America today, I see a lack of romantic spirit. Men and women are no longer filled with wonder for the ethereal forces that drive them together. They're not looking up, starry-eyed, at the shimmering night sky. They're not dreaming of the dawn. They're not talking about love! But once my short fiction starts getting published, that should all change.
Elie Wiesel Mortified After Rereading Night
BOSTON—Nobel Peace Prize winner and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel said in an interview Monday that he recently revisited his debut work, Night, nearly 50 years after its publication and was "absolutely horrified" at the amateurish quality of the memoir.
Fanzine Marred By Grammatical Error
BERKELEY, CA—A rare grammatical error was discovered Monday in the latest issue of MangaMash, a fanzine devoted to hardcore Japanese speed-metal bands and Sanrio/Hello Kitty novelty kitsch products.
I Could Write A Better Rubaiyat Than That Khayyam Dip****
Down at the loading dock, me and the guys get into a lot of good-natured scraps about sports teams and movies and whatnot. Sure, it gets a little heated sometimes, but it's always in good fun. When it comes to poetry, though, there are days when I just want to haul off and punch their sorry faces.
Second Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus
NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Second-grade students at Franklin Elementary School impressed parents, teachers, and fellow students with their recent production of Peter Shaffer's Equus Friday.
Dewey Decimal System Helpless To Categorize Jim Belushi Book
DUBLIN, OH—Members of the OCLC Online Computer Library Center’s Editorial Policy Committee, which oversees the Dewey Decimal System library classification system, were no closer Monday to assigning a definitive call number to the recently published Jim Belushi book Real Men Don’t Apologize.
Manifesto Coming Along Fine
LIBBY, MT—Ken Hausch, a Libby-area Luddite separatist and conspiracy theorist, announced Monday that his much-anticipated manifesto, My Lonely Battle Against The Mind-Control Slavery Of The Illuminati And Its Footmen In The CIA, KGB, U.N., Vatican, NASA, IRS, AT&T, Federal Reserve, Disney, The Order Of Skull & Bones, And The Rosicrucians, is "coming along fine" and should be completed by fall of this year.
I'm Pretty Sure I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings
I must admit that, at first, I wasn't sure if I was going to like the African-American Lit class I signed up for. I had to take it because it was the only humanities class available at 9:20 on Wednesdays—long story—and I just couldn't see what black lit had to do with pre-med.
Extra-Slanty Italics Introduced For Extremely Important Words
NEW HOPE, MN—In an attempt to address writers' ever-growing word-emphasis needs, Minnesota-based Pica Foundry has developed a new, extra-slanty italic font, design director Jordan Soderblum announced Monday.
Book Given As Gift Actually Read
LONG BEACH, CA—The nation's publishing industry was rocked by Monday's news that a book given as a holiday gift was actually read and enjoyed by its recipient.
Nation's Teens Disappointed By Banned Books
WASHINGTON, DC–Huckleberry Finn, Slaughterhouse Five, and The Catcher In The Rye are just a few of the many banned books to which U.S. teens are reacting with disappointment, the American Library Association reported Monday.
Eisenhower Vows To Address Growing Problem Of Overdue Library Books
WASHINGTON, DC—President Eisenhower tackled the growing problem of overdue library books in a nationally televised speech Sunday evening, addressing what political analysts say may be the most urgent problem facing the nation today.
Third-Person Limited Omniscient Narrator Blown Away By Surprise Ending
PROVIDENCE, RI—The third-person limited omniscient voice, a narrative mode used to convey a story through the thoughts and senses of a literary character, was reportedly "caught totally off guard" after the main character was unexpectedly killed in the last chapter of the new novel Bertram's Way.
"Greatest Story Ever Told" Has Gimmicky Deus Ex Machina Ending
NEW HAVEN, CT–According to a Yale University literature professor, the tale of Christ's life–the so-called "Greatest Story Ever Told"–is saddled by a lazy, formulaic deus ex machina conclusion.
Ghost Of Anne Frank: "Quit Reading My Diary"
Shocked to learn that the diary containing her most intimate thoughts and feelings has been read by millions of people worldwide, the ghost of Anne Frank held a press conference Monday to tell the world to "stop reading my diary, and put it back where you found it right this second."
Self-Help Book Believes It Can Be a Bestseller Someday
NEW YORK—In spite of the odds it faces in the ultra-competitive self-improvement segment of the publishing market, the forthcoming self-help book The Life-Changing Power Of Perspective firmly believes that it can be a bestseller, the 179-page non-fiction paperback said Tuesday.
I Insist You Borrow This Terrible Book And Tell You How Much You Liked It
I know you love to read, and I think I have something you'll really, really dislike. I just finished this book called Dog Days, by J. Phillip Edward, and it changed my life. I've never read anything that so perfectly captures the shallow things I think and feel every day. You absolutely must borrow it.
Paris Review Receive Mysterious Plimpton Essay About Being A Ghost
NEW YORK—Paris Review editors report that they received an unsolicited essay from the late founder George Plimpton about his first-hand experiences as a ghost Tuesday.
Sappho Delights Crowd With Poetry, Lute
From the mighty city-states dotting the Greek landscape to the burgeoning ports of Phoenicia, critics throughout the Mediterranean are singing the praises of the seventh century's newest lute sensation—the lovely Sappho!
Girl Moved To Tears by Of Mice And Men Cliffs Notes
CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA—In what she described as "the most emotional moment" of her academic life, University of Virginia sophomore communications major Grace Weaver sobbed openly upon concluding Steinbeck's seminal work of American fiction Of Mice And Men's Cliffs Notes early last week.
Theater Major Has Too Long Borne Shakespeare Teacher's Blunt Upbraidings, Bitter Scoffs
NASHVILLE, TN—Vanderbilt University theater major Sandy Heckscher said Monday that she has been stretched to the limits of her endurance by the "blunt upbraidings and bitter scoffs" of drama professor and Shakespeare scholar Ian Treatt. "
Girlfriend Stops Reading David Foster Wallace Breakup Letter At Page 20
BLOOMINGTON, IL—Claire Thompson, author David Foster Wallace's girlfriend of two years, stopped reading his 67-page breakup letter at page 20, she admitted Monday.
New Children's Book Helps Kids Deal With The Pain And Isolation of Plastic Surgery
MIAMI-As a pediatric plastic surgeon, Dr. Jessica Krieg changes little faces and lives for the better. Yet for all the good she does, she is all too aware that rhinoplasty and liposuction can be difficult, scary experiences for a child. With her new book, Norah's New Nose, she hopes to change all that.
Precocious 6-Year-Old Claims Berenstain Bears Book Changed Her Life
LITCHFIELD PARK, AZ—Since reading The Berenstain Bears Get The Gimmies last month, 6-year-old Melody Johnson has lived a changed life, the above-average reader reported Monday.
Rapture Wreaks Havoc On Local Book Club
MARION, IN—Following last week's rapture, which transported four members of the Marion Mockingbirds Book Club to heaven in order to be with Jesus Christ, the three remaining members have reportedly been scrambling to maintain a regular Wednesday meeting schedule as well as the usual coffee-and-pastry rotation.
New Book Written From Perspective Of Gargamel
NEW YORK—Gregory Maguire, author of Wicked, the story of Oz told from the Wicked Witch's perspective, has completed a novel told from the point of view of the Smurf-hating sorcerer Gargamel. "I thought this much-maligned man worthy of closer scrutiny, perhaps even sympathy," Maguire said.
Greg Behrendt Releases New Book For Children: Your Parents Aren't That Into You
LOS ANGELES—Greg Behrendt, the co-author of the bestsellers He's Just Not That Into You and It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken, has written a book targeted at younger readers, which will be released by Simon & Schuster next week.
Author Wishes She Hadn't Blown Personal Tragedy On First Book
SANTA FE, NM–Author Jessica Kingley expressed regret Monday that she had "pretty much used up all the hardship" from her early life in her recent first novel Bitter Root, leaving her nothing to write about for her follow-up book.
Author To Use Water As A Metaphor
CHAPEL HILL, NC—Novelist, playwright, and poet H. Gregor Lafferty, 41, announced Monday his plan to use water as a metaphor in an upcoming and as-yet-untitled work.
Toaster-Instruction Booklet Author Enraged That Editor Betrayed His Vision
TOWSON, MD—Consolidated Concepts copywriter Ronald Leff announced Monday that his vision for the Black & Decker Electronic Toast-R-Oven™ Broiler instruction booklet was "thoroughly betrayed" in the final editing process.
First-Time Novelist Constantly Asking Wife What It's Like To Be A Woman
SAN JOSE, CA—Claims adjuster and novice author John Kitner is "constantly" asking what it's like to be a woman, reports his wife Becky.
R. L. Stine Reveals Slappy From Night Of The Living Dummy Was Gay
NEW YORK—Children's author R.L. Stine broke his long-held media silence Monday to announce that Slappy, the evil ventriloquist's dummy from the Goosebumps Night Of The Living Dummy trilogy, was a homosexual.
Area Woman Fulfills Dream Of Becoming Writer By Getting Job At Bookstore
PHILADELPHIA—Aspiring novelist Sandy Bellman took the last step in her personal journey as a professional writer last week when she was hired at a west-side Barnes & Noble.
Science Fiction Writer Admits Unstoppable Killing Machine Based On Mother
SEATTLE—At a book signing Tuesday, science fiction writer Ryan Lowell shocked fans when he confessed that the 300-ton, multi-tentacled, indestructible killer robot in his debut novel, Mind Games, was actually modeled on his own mother, 56-year-old Margaret Lowell of Wichita, Kansas.
Woman's Day Writer Recounts Own Battle With Caffeine Addiction
CLEARWATER, FL–Bravely coming forward in the hopes of helping others like herself, freelance Woman's Day writer Joanna Hoff described her harrowing battle with caffeine addiction in the magazine's April issue.
Someday, I Will Copyedit The Great American Novel
Most of my coworkers here at Washington Mutual have no idea who I really am. They see me correcting spelling errors in press releases and removing excess punctuation from quarterly reports, and they think that's all there is to me. But behind these horn-rimmed glasses, there's a woman dreaming big dreams. I won't be stuck standardizing verb tenses in business documents my whole life. One day, I will copyedit the Great American Novel.
Artistic Sensibility Takes Backseat To Commercial Consideration
HOLLYWOOD, CA-Artistic sensibility took a backseat to commercial consideration yesterday, when independent writer-director Norm Blugoth's semi-autobiographical opus, Shadows, Dimly: A Life Remembered was purchased, revamped and re-released by Mammoth Video under a new title...
Film To Be Made Into John Grisham
OXFORD, MS-According to entertainment industry insiders, Columbia Pictures' 1995 courtroom thriller, The Witness, will soon be made into noted fiction writer John Grisham.
Joe Eszterhas Brought In To Punch Up Senate Bill
WASHINGTON, DC-Concerned that the bill is too dry to connect with mainstream taxpayers, the U.S. Senate has brought in high-profile Hollywood screenwriter Joe Eszterhas to punch up Internal Revenue Code Amendment Act S. 1792.
Scholars Discover 23 Blank Pages That Might As Well Be Lost Samuel Beckett Play
PARIS-Just weeks after the centennial of the birth of pioneering minimalist playwright Samuel Beckett, archivists analyzing papers from his Paris estate uncovered a small stack of blank paper that scholars are calling "the latest example of the late Irish-born writer's genius."
Jorge Posada's New Children's Book A Thinly Veiled Attack On Yankee Management
NEW YORK-Members of the New York Yankee organization's literary-review board are calling Play Ball!, the newly released semi-autobiographical children's book authored by catcher Jorge Posada, a "heartwarming tale about learning the game and making new friends" and "a means used by the writer in a blatant attempt to further his anti-Yankee-management agenda."
Modern Day Proust Emails Friend Six Times A Day
RUTLAND, VT—Much like the prolific 19th-century French novelist Marcel Proust, local claims adjustor Eric Dressler generates prodigious volumes of prose, chronicling the most minute details of his life and experiences in a seemingly endless stream of e-mails, friend Kevin Honig reported Monday.
vermin verse by t. herman zwiebel, publisher emeritus
dear readers do not be alarmed but since i became a giant cock roach i've found it easier to type write in lower case i have a hard time moving the shift key i used to dictate my column to nurse pin head but I can no longer speak because slime drools from my mandibles and garbles my words...
Maya Angelou Honored For Courage, Blackness
ATLANTA—Citing her outstanding contribution to the field of literature written by African Americans, many of the nation's top cultural luminaries gathered at Morehouse College Monday to present author and poet Maya Angelou with the first-ever Maya Angelou Lifetime Courage And Blackness Achievement Award.
I Wrote Another Play by t. herman zwiebel, publisher emeritus
For years now, I have fancied myself a bit of an amateur dramatist, and you may recall that about a year ago, I wrote a play entitled The Happy Bed-Chamber. I have now written another play, a three-act drama called The News-Paper Man And The Elves. Enjoy!
A Drama In Three Acts by t. herman zwiebel, publisher emeritus
To my universally celebrated works of drama, The Happy Bed-Chamber and The News-Paper Man And The Elves, I would like to add my third and most ambitious effort to date, The Syphilis-Crazed Young Norwegian Man.
Slight Inconsistency Found In Bible
STILLWATER, OK—The world's theological community is in an uproar following Monday's discovery of a slight inconsistency in the Bible.
STATSHOT: Least-Recommended Toilet-Training Books For Children
STATSHOT: What Are U.S. Children Reading?
Mon, 01/14/2008 - 11:18am
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Dennis Shay says:
In fact, the Onion is upstaged by the Evening TV news fare.
Ha! These news stories are as pithy and immediate as most of the "valid" news items presented on the evening TV news. Nancy Grace and Greta Van Susferen might moonlight writing for the Onion.