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When Will Regained His Self Esteem

 “Oh, Will,” she said.  “Isn’t life wonderful?”
    “Wonderful,” I said.
    She hugged me and her body felt good.  And warm.  Especially warm.  It was damn cold atop Mount Everest, lovely view or no.  But Splendid Girl, with the romanticism of the young, would accept no substitute in her quest for a secluded rendezvous.
    “Oh, Will,” she sighed, resting her golden-tressed head on my shoulder and gazing at the Himalayan scenery.  “Oh, thank you for rustling your Date Brush and summoning me ultrasonically.  After every date I’m afraid you’ll decide you’d rather have on older, more sophisticated girlfriend who can talk to you about literature and life and Pernod and things.  Like that Oates person.  Or Simon de Beauvoir.”
    “But Simone de Beauvoir’s been dead for years!”
    “See?  If she was still alive you’d probably rather be with…”
    “Stop being ridiculous,” I said.  “How do you think I feel?  I’m always afraid you’ll get bored with a bookworm like me, and a non-Splendid Powered bookworm to boot.  Especially when I think of those Splendid Jerks you used to go around with, like Finwad, the fish boy, and that enchanted horse, Cosmo the Awesome Stud.”
    “Oh Will, my Will, don’t be silly!” she cried.  “Do you think I could ever have come here to share this scenery with Finny, or gone to a jazz concert with Studly?  You’re the only man for me, Will.”
    “Really?”
    “Really!”
    “You really like me better than Johnny Depp?”
    “Oh, he just wanted to play his guitar.”
    “Or Dirkie, the Crimson Spear’s teen sidekick?”
    “Gag me with a spoon!”
    “Even better than 50 Cent?”
    “I wouldn’t give two bits for 50 Cent!”
    “Kiss me, baby.”
    “But Will,” she said, blushing and glancing around.  “What if someone’s watching?
    “No one can see us here, Kar’En,” I said, “unless your cousin Splendid Man is training the telescopic setting of his Splendid Vision on us.  But he told me he would be busy on a mission in outer space with the North American Alliance for Meetness all weekend.”
    “Jeepers, isn’t that a silly name, Will?” said Kar’En.  “I wish my cousin had known you before they came up with it.  I bet you, with your power of Splendid Wording, could’ve come up with something way better.”
    “I would have liked something with the word ‘league’ in it,” I mused.  “But enough of this nonsense.”
    I caught her up in my arms and kissed her.  Her firm young figure melted against me.  I almost laid her down on the perennial ice cap and made her mine right there and then, no matter what the laws of Strontium or California might say.  Besides, who knows what the moral statutes of far-off Nepal are like?  But when I remembered her Splendid Powers I turned to jelly.  How could I satisfy her in life and love?  After all, would you be satisfied with a lover who could boast only a knowledge of books, good taste in clothes, and a wry sense of humor, if you were endowed with Splendid Strength, Splendid Speed, Vacuum Breath, and a trim, perfect little body?
    “What’s wrong, my darling?” she asked softly.  With her uncanny sensitivity, she had immediately detected my insecurity.  Maybe it was the way my knees were shaking.
    “I…I’m just a mere Earthling, Kar’En,” I stammered.  “I’m blessed with no special power other than a brilliance with words, while you…you’re the second mightiest being in the solar system.  I don’t know how to love you, Kar’En.  Maybe you’d better just…choke…forget me.”  My sappiness revolted me, but hell, you can’t always be manly and terse.   
“Oh, Will, how can I prove to you how much you mean to me?”  She gazed at me with those big limpid eyes of hers and sighed.  “Not all the Splendid Powers of every Strontiumese native who ever miraculously survived the Great Flood of Strontium and ended up on Earth, with its argon-tinged atmosphere and lesser gravity, could give me what you’ve given me, my love.”
    She pressed her yearning little mouth against mine.  I began breathing heavily, but then I felt dizzy.  Maybe it’s not such a swift idea to get worked up at 29,028 feet above sea level.
    “Oh, poor Will,” she said.  “Here, let me wrap you in my indestructible cape and fly you down to a nicer altitude before you faint.  I’ll tell you what, why don’t we visit some of our favorite romantic places?  Since it’s Saturday, I don’t have to be home until 11:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time.”
    Even as we zoomed across the Himalayas and into India I felt my self-confidence crumbling.  Bundled up in her indestructible cape like a babe in swaddling clothes, I was painfully conscious of my inadequacy.  Sure, I quoted Kipling as we strolled through the colorful, opium-clouded bazaars of Bombay.  Sure, I discoursed on the development of the French Rococo under the decadence of the Bourbon Dynasty when we popped into the Louvre, until Kar’En’s eyes shown in admiration like moons.  But think how I felt when she used her Splendid Vision to first boil and sterilize, then cool, the water offered us by kindly Algerian peasants in the labyrinthine backstreets of the Casbah.  Think how useless I felt when, upon our arrival in Rio, she used her Splendid Vision to turn away a tropical storm that would have spoiled our evening walk on the beach.  This little girl would never need me to open pickle jars, bring in bags of groceries from the car, or kill spiders in the bathtub.  Could a woman truly love a man without depending on his masculine strength?
    But suddenly, as we strolled on the sand, Splendid Girl fell against me.
    “Oh Will…gasp…suddenly…gasp…so weak,” she gasped.
    I caught her in my arms.  All her Splendid Strength fled her.  Her face paled, then took on a silvery tint.  “Kar’En!” I cried.  “What’s happened?  Is it Strontiumite?”
    “L-look!” she gasped.  “A Strontiumese Space Cat, whose silver Strontiumite fur renders me weak and helpless!  It must have miraculously escaped Strontium’s doom!  Save me from it, Will!”
    Indeed, where she pointed with her trembling hand, I saw a glowing silver feline flying circles in the air.  Then, as Kar’En collapsed to her knees, it flew at her, hissing and spitting, as if to rake her to death with its adamantine claws.  Swiftly, I interposed myself between the creature and its prey.  As it circled over us, preparing to pounce, I adopted what I assumed to be a combat stance.  Then it swooped in.  That was its mistake.  No doubt about it, it was mightier than any mere earthly cat.  But no pussy will ever get the better of Will Jones!  By main strength I wrestled it down and hurled it away.  The Space Cat vanished into the coffee-black Brazilian sky, with its vivid stars like sugar lumps.
    I turned to the prostrate Splendid Girl.  To my horror, I discovered that a fine Strontiumite dust had settled over her.
    “Groan,” she said.
    “Courage, Kar’En,” I said.  I drew her lithe form to me and rushed her down the golden beach to the sea.  I let the gentle, tropic waters of the South Atlantic wash away her pain.  I kissed her there in the waves and her eyes fluttered open.
    “Oh, Will,” she said.  “This is just like From Here to Eternity.”
    “Very good, baby,” I said with a grin.  “Remember the director?”
    She cast her gaze about as if searching for something, then turned her big orbs on me as they gleamed with tears of joy and love. “Fred Zinneman!” she squealed, and threw her arms around me. “Oh, Will, you’ve taught me so much!” She sighed and snuggled into my grasp. “I wish I could stay like this forever, but my foster father said I can’t stay out late with a boy he’s never met.  Oh, Will, come with me to Axial Town, my foster city!  I want you to meet my foster parents!”
    I don’t mind saying it:  For once, I felt like a man, even wrapped head to toe in Kar’En’s indestructible cape.
    We landed at the edge of a sleepy town not far from Municipalitus.  Kar’En changed into her pig-tailed Peggy Pearl Perkins identity so fast that I didn’t have time to turn my back politely.  Not that I saw anything, to my enormous disappointment.  Hand in hand we walked along the peaceful streets until we came to one bright little cottage.
    Maybe you’re like me, and you always get cold feet when you’re put on display.  After all, what could I show for myself in the way of future prospects and security when Peggy presented me to her foster parents?  On any previous night I would have backed out.  But tonight, as she let me in and I came face to face with kindly Mr. Perkins, Axial Town’s leading engineer, and his kindly wife, Mrs. Perkins, I was determined to prove to them that I was the man for their little girl.
    “Well, well, well, this must be Will, Peggy’s new beau, “ said Mr. Perkins, shaking my hand.  “It’s a relief to meet a young man of Peggy’s whose face isn’t plastered all over the tabloids!”
    “Oh, daddy,” Peggy said cutely.
    “Have a seat on the davenport, son,” said Mr. Perkins.  “Put your feet up on the ottoman.  Bring this fine young fellow a cup of hot cocoa, dear.”
    Mrs. Perkins smiled and bustled off.  Mr. Perkins gave me a friendly but appraising glance, taking note of my Dockers, black turtleneck, and gray tweed.
    “Tell me, Will, what do you do?” he asked.
    “I’m…er…temporarily between jobs,” I said.  “I was in beds for a while.”
    “Oh dear!  Were you ill?” called Mrs. Perkins from the kitchen.
    “No, ma’am, I mean I was a bed salesman,” I explained.  “But I’m planning on going into books.”
    “Selling them?” asked Mr. Perkins.
    “No…er…writing them,” I said.
    “Oh daddy, Will’s a wonderful writer!” interjected Peggy.
    “Well,” I said hesitantly, “I do like to…”
    “Have you ever considered finding yourself a good bookstore and working there?  Or hooking up with the Britannica people?” asked Mr. Perkins.
    I decided to take the initiative.  “Mr. Perkins, let me assure you that if your foster daughter’s welfare ever comes to depend on me, I will do everything in my power to make her as comfortable and secure as she deserves.”
    Mr. Perkins nodded thoughtfully.  Then he said, “Will, I know a fellow of your age and wardrobe must have had some experience with women.  It there anything you’d like to…er…”
    “Well, to tell you the truth, sir,” I volunteered, “I was married once.  My wife always said I was a fine provider, but she felt she had to leave me to find herself.”
    “She was one of those modern girls, Daddy,” said Peggy with evident distaste.
    “Tsk tsk tsk,” said Mrs. Perkins, bringing the cocoa.
    “I’m afraid she felt a little inferior to me,” I said.
    “Our Peggy won’t!” said Mrs. Perkins, winking at her husband.  “She’s a splendid girl!”
    “Sh!  Irma!  Careful!” hissed Mr. Perkins.  “You might accidentally reveal Peggy’s secret you-know-what!”
    “Oh, don’t worry, Mr. Perkins, Mrs. Perkins,” I said quickly.  “I already know that your foster daughter is secretly Splendid Girl, the Princess of Potency!”
    “Omigosh!” gasped Mr. Perkins.
    “How…ulp…do you know that?” asked Mrs. Perkins.
    “Will is Splendid Man’s best pal!” chirped Peggy.
    “Well, second to his old pal Bobby Anderssen, the albino, of course,” I said.
    “Son, why didn’t you tell us this before?” beamed Mr. Perkins, clapping me on the shoulder.  “Any pal of Splendid Man’s is a pal of mine.  And any intentions you have for my little foster girl are fine by me!  I’m sure they’ll be honorable.”
    Suddenly I was a member of the family.  A smile split my face from ear to ear and was mirrored on the faces of the Perkinses.  Even the family cat, a fluffy calico, appeared from under a couch to rub itself against my legs.  Peggy looked a little upset by that.
    “Awp!  Blotchy!  What are you doing here?” she cried.
    But before I could puzzle over her reaction, Mr. Perkins drew me aside and said to me privately; “As you know, Will, I hold a respected position in this community with Axial Town Engineering.”
    “Yes sir, Mr. Perkins,” I said.
    “Call me Ted, Will,” he said.  “I’ll tell you what, son: Come to work for me, and I can guarantee you a good salary with plenty of room for advancement.  You strike me as a real go-getter, Willy-boy, just the kind of fellow I want in my organization and in my family.  Axial Town’s a friendly place, and you could take night classes over at Stantheman College to keep up with your cultural things, if you must.  I’ll tell you one thing, Will: This is a great community in which to raise a family.  You think about it.”
    I was touched beyond words.  I could only look at my feet in embarrassment.  It was then that I noticed the silver dust on my pant-leg, where the cat had been rubbing.
    I looked for the animal.  Peggy had him in her arms and was scolding him. 
    “Naughty Blotchy!” she was saying.  “I told you to fly up into outer space and play with Stronto the Splendid Dog at his Doghouse of Contemplation until Will was gone!”
    “Don’t scold your poor Splendid Cat, Peggy,” I said.  “It’s better that I know the truth.  Did you command Blotchy ultrasonically to color himself with silver dust and pretend to be a Strontiumese Space Cat which had miraculously escaped Strontium’s doom while you feigned weakness?”
    “But…but Will,” she stammered.  “I only wanted to make you stop worrying that you weren’t good enough for me.  I never want anything to come between us, Will.  Oh, but now you must hate me!”  Tears brimmed in her big gentle eyes and spilled onto her cheeks.  She lowered her head and ran from the room.  I caught her arm to stop her.  With her Splendid Strength, she had dragged me some yards before she noticed me and stopped.
    I rose to my feet.  I placed my forefinger beneath her chin and tipped her head back. I murmured, “You went through all that…just for me?  Oh, you little fool, how can I hate you?” I kissed away the salty tears from one cheek, and then from the other.  Then I kissed her trembling lips.
    “Will,” she said.
    “Kar’En,” I said.
    “Sigh,” she said.
    “Ditto,” I said.
    “Oh Ted, just look at them!” sighed Mrs. Perkins.  “Isn’t young love wonderful?”