Captain's Blog
November 17, 2008
- Hmmmm...I can tell by the number of hits that what people want is...humor - so who am I to argue? So - you're locked in a room with Adolf Hitler, Satan and Newt Gingrich. You have a gun, but only two bullets -what do you do? A: Shoot Newt Gingrich twice....B: Sell the gun and bullets to Saddam Hussein...C: Invade Iraq...D: Draw up a feasiblility study to determine the best use of the ...
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November 8, 2008
- Mr. Data told his first joke today - Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one turns to the other and says: "Does this taste funny to you?" He wanted to know why this makes humans laugh, and I frankly wasted half an hour trying to explain it to him. It took me another half-hour to explain the joke to number 2, but that's par for the course. It took him six weeks to get the Vagina ...
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July 30, 2008
- Had an interesting discussion with Mr Data today, concerning the perception of color - he wished to know how humans came to agreement on what red is, or blue, or green - or anything in between - especially since it seems to be an unspoken agreement - an interesting philosophical point, even for an anaemic android..My first question to him was "Well, does it actually matter?", to which ...
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July 29, 2008
- Spent the evening playing poker with my senior officers - an enlightening experience, I must say -"Baby needs a new pair of shoes" - "Too rich for my blood", "Papa's got a brand new bag", "Four spondulicks beats a wandering sailor" - what the hell does all that mean, anyway? Nevertheless, it behooves me to enter into the spirit of the thing, ridiculous as ...
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July 26, 2008
- Well, I'm here to tell you that the pen is not, in fact, mightier than the sword - that theory was dis-proven on multiple occasions in Holodeck 1 today(at pixellated Commander Riker's expense, unfortunately - that'll teach him to fling those aphorisms around during our weekly poker game - pretentious git..). Anyhow, despite distributing his (somewhat suspect) scribblings to the assembled ...
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July 25, 2008
- Spent the evening wrestling with Zeno's arrow paradox, in which he states that for motion to be occurring, an object must change the position which it occupies - he gives an example of an arrow in flight, and states that in any one instant of time, for the arrow to be moving it must either move to where it is, or it must move to where it is not. It cannot move to where it is not, because this is ...
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July 22, 2008
- I have become trapped in the Holodeck again - I was halfway through a very enjoyable program in which I was an 18th-century archaeologist stumbling upon some fascinating pre-Colombian artefacts, when I was rudely interrupted by a rogue sub-routine - obviously programmed by number two - involving a vacation resort which caters exclusively to insane ventriloquists' dummies who are participating in ...
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July 20, 2008
- Back in harness on the bridge of The Enterprise - and not a moment too soon, to be perfectly honest - rural France, despite its many charms, was a little too bucolic for my tastes - plus whenever I said "make it so.." there, no-one took a blind bit of notice - they just looked at me as if I were some kind of village idiot. Speaking of number two - he apparently spent his time on Earth ...
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July 19, 2008
- Back on earth, climbing in The Pyrenees - 150-million year old rock under my feet(that's almost as old as some of number two's jokes...) is enough to make me remember my place - a nano-second on the cosmic calendar, give or take. Hannibal crossed these peaks with his elephants in 218 B.C. - and judging by the funny smell around here, I think I may have stepped in one of their droppings, actually ...
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July 18, 2008
- Back on earth, in the bosom of my family - I was just joshing about the light-speed effects - that was all proven to be wrong two centuries ago - in fact, I lifted most of the ideas from "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", which lifted them from Einstein, who lifted them from...etc. Since mandatory sterilization after a second child was introduced, the population has remained stable at ...
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