 Red Room Writer Profile
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Alan Black's Blog
November 20, 2009
- The Hand of HenryThink of all those brand names that players pick up as endorsements. And make bags of money in the process. And the team strips emblazoned with corporate logos. But maybe it's time for a new logo to be branded across the chests of our favorite soccer stars -- those ones who like to flop, or use their hand to earn a goal. Welcome to soccer's growing, dynamic brand: CHEAT. To ...
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November 11, 2009
- While in the library the other day, the man next to me was looking at A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking. His laptop buzzed and he quickly abandoned his reading continuum for a short blast of finger pulses transmitting data to followers everywhere across the cyber universe. He was tweeting at the speed of light. I took out my lined notebook...A Brief History of Follow MeA couple of ...
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August 5, 2009
May 29, 2009
- This is a particularly unpleasant submission, so don't read it if you've been a victim of unwanted fondling. Airports are strip searching passengers with a new screening device designed to have the bored guy at the monitor burst out laughing when he sees a tiny penis, a weird third nipple, or concealed bondage wear. The designers of such intrusion may wish to consider building a screening ...
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April 14, 2009
- COTTON DOCKERS - A DANGER TO MAN I have never had a happy relationship with pants. They've always attacked me. I've suffered zippers slicing into fragile appendages, holes in pockets that sent bus fare running down my leg only to disappear into a street drain and earthquake fissures in the butt due to rapid bending over and too many donuts. All the pants I owned cost me dearly. Secretly, I ...
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April 3, 2009
- ACT ONEHe was small, a Japanese Napoleon. His pal had a bald patch like a monk. The Japanese was on the voice treadmill, the monk was silent, listening, like a vow. Expensive scotch was ordered, Napoleon asked to see the bottle. I left it there. And forgot about it. They went to the jukebox and loaded it up with heavy metal, music not to listen to at 1.30am. I yelled last call. And remembered ...
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March 31, 2009
- I was talking to a drug using friend, a man with alot of miles on his frequent higher card, about the latest craze on drugs, this time Mexican bordertown slaughter, and he reminded me that the drug cartels are totally opposed to legalization, like the US government. And that was a good thing. They had common interest and should work together to preserve the status quo. He pointed out that ...
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January 30, 2009
- The State Department has added a new group to its watchlist. MARA - the acronym for the Middle Age Resistance Army - issued a communique calling for an "end to youth." Wrapped in an Afghan coat and wearing a T-shirt with a fat David Crosby emblazoned on the front, MARA's leader P. Rostate declared "war on the vileness of youth and its degenerate speed culture." ...
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January 27, 2009
- He liked a bit of powder, James Bond, benzedrine was his choice of sniff. Raking up the buzz in the early novels, trying not to be over confident on a combo of bennys and champage, when executing the plan for Queen and Country. Bond's success is really the product of a drunken glory, a golden age when being drunk stood for something good. Sadly, being drunk is now sadly frowned upon, or ...
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January 22, 2009
January 3, 2009
- When was the last time you were up to no good? It's a bit of a walk, lots of dark lanes to run through, a steep hill too with cliffs. Falling off as the cliff crumbles. That's the kind of experience gained when you get up to the heights of no good. And it's some view up there, you can see as clear as day, looking all the way over to the people heading up to good. With smiles on their faces. Up ...
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January 1, 2009
- Bartenders across the world took a pounding on New Year's Eve. Incoming volleys of whistling drunks was followed later by cleaning up the collateral damage of expelled stomachs, carrying the legless to ambulances, and taxis, and having to don the blue helmet to separate warring male factions. In Thailand, bartenders had to run for their lives as the nightclub burned. Resistance was futile. The ...
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December 28, 2008
December 23, 2008
- Is everybody high on TV? I'm convinced that Wolf Blitzer is on pot cookies. His marvelous range of spectacle is as lean as his stubble and absolutely convincing. Wolf is a fan of The Who. He's the Keith Moon of television journalism. Lou Dobbs seems to be on liquor, maybe Old Grandad, the most dangerous bourbon known to mankind. I have carried out experiments on old men, feeding them Old Grandad, ...
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November 24, 2008
- I was listening to a comedy radio channel, the first thing that came up was a song called The Scotsman, sung a capello by Bryan Bowers. A drunk Scotman is lying unconscious at the side of the road, in his kilt, and along come some girls. Girls, you stop and wonder, not if he is dead or has alcoholic disease, but what does he wear under his kilt. And you hope, nothing.Now at this point of the ...
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