A Female Member of the Banned Group MARA

The State Department has added a new group to its watchlist. MARA - the acronym for the Middle Age Resistance Army - issued a communique calling for an "end to youth." Wrapped in an Afghan coat and wearing a T-shirt with a fat David Crosby emblazoned on the front, MARA's leader P. Rostate declared "war on the vileness of youth and its degenerate speed culture." Announcing plans to "attack the manufacturers of hoodies and gravity challenged pants," Comrade P. Rostate urged the movement's sleeper cells to "activate" before they mutated into something horrible, like cysts on the increasingly hairy backs of its male members. "These youth bastards and their entitlement culture are a threat to the future of the nation. Bring back the draft,"  he demanded. Comrade P. Rostate promised more direct action, after he returned from a digital rectal exam.