IS DEPENDENCE A CRIME?
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Violet Hsu and Wei-Tai Kwok are a beautiful, artistic and brilliant Chinese-American couple. I met Violet in Beijing on a rainy Fourth of July at the American Embassy in 1987. She fell in love with American-born,Wei-Tai, in Shanghai. They returned to California, married, had two sweet kids. Vi and Weit-Tai speak perfect American English and are fluent in Mandarin.
When they come down from the Bay Area for a visit of the Central Coast, they say, We'd like to stop by and say, hi, to your parents. It truly warms the cockles of my heart. Only my Chinese-American friends think to do this.
When I was invited to speak at the Smithsonian some years ago, Wei-Tai's parents were in the small audience and wanted to adopt mom and me during our stay in D.C., to show us the sights.
Chinese-Americans live inclusive of their older generation. This has often been mistakenly charged by the larger American society as being "dependent," or "neurotically close." I, for one, think Americans take impendence too far. When parents are older, they are too proud to combine their lives with their children's, readying themselves to live in retirement communities rather than be thought dependent. God forbid, he or she is DEPENDENT. This vein of thinking must have come from developing the great American West, where there were vast spaces to populate and folks had to rely on their own wit and strength.
My eighty year-old Baba and seventy-seven year-old Mama are my friends and mentors. It wasn't so in my youth. I felt an even wider gulf from my parents than most teens. My parents were not only foreign, they held close to their roots by immersing themselves in Eastern literature, while I studied all things Western. But I'd returned to them after my sojourn in China, deeply appreciative of the wisdom and knowledge they could impart to me. I had returned to them as an adult, confident enough of my own strength to befriend my parents. And my parents have NEVER steered me wrong.
I contribute to their lives by keeping them up to date on the fast pace of change in society. (The truth is, Baba, can see through the surface changes and know exactly what's going on, be it on Wall Street or Timbuktoo. He's seen it all during the war years in China.) My monkey antics and raucous humor make them laugh. My most important activity in life is to keep them healthy and youthful by my proximity. As I type these words, Baba is high up in the cypress tree, trimming its branches, and Mama, sprier than me, is tugging at browning jasmine vines.
One of my American friends once asked me: is taking care of your parents non-negotiable? Now, I love and respect this man, the father of my best friend from grade school, who became my dear friend for decades. Well, sir, the question itself misses the point. There is nothing to negotiate. Chinese children take care of their elders, as naturally as their elder took care them when they were small. It's not an obligation. It's not even duty. I take care of my parents out of joy. It's what human beings were meant to do for one another.
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Catherine Nagle says:
Take care of your elders,
as they have taken care of you. "It's not an obligation. It's not even duty. It's what human beings were meant to do for one another."
So true, Belle. Your post brought tears to my eyes and a feeling of love in my heart. I wish my parents were here today that I may take care of them, once more!
Thank you very much for your lovely letter and beautiful paintings. They express so much love and joy of what a true family is!
Truly,
Catherine Nagle
Susan Brown says:
This is lovely, and
This is lovely, and Catherine has it exactly right--this is what family is supposed to be. Susan
Belle Yang says:
Susan,
I am also the pitbull in my family. Since my folksdo not speak English flowingly like native borns, they have the potential to get stepped on. I go to battle for us with my voice, pen and paper.
Eric Nichols says:
I've informed my daughter
I've informed my daughter that as soon as her fashion studio and boutique makes it big time, I'll retire, and she'll be obligated to support me. This is a great incentive to become fabulously successful, so I'm actually doing her a big favor. :)
Eric
"We put the suck in success!"
Farzana Versey says:
I proudly say I am
I proudly say I am completely dependent on my mother. I would not want it any other way. While you are right, Belle, about how western society is being shaped into this 'free' mould, let me assure you that in India it is fine for the male to live with his parents even after marriage, but not for the woman. In fact, she is expected to stay away from her maternal family as far as is possible, and this is prevalent even among so-called 'modern' families. I had to battle this when I was married.
It was lovely to read this account and find echoes in how I feel.
~F
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
Love flows in all
Love flows in all directions, and sometimes the stream moves one way more than the other. Love flows up, love flows down, love encompasses all, a swirl. Who is to say which direction is "right." I think we have an idea that we should fear dependence, but who is truly independent?
Great food for thought, wonderful paintings, of course.
xo
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Belle Yang says:
Jessica, the peace, which the proximity to my parents
afforded me, allowed me to finish a body of work. I am definitely NOT superwoman like you (and don't say you aren't). I can only handle simple situations, so the experience of the past 20 years has been night and day compared to the chaos and turmoil of my twenties. I think I realized "simple" was right for me. I am just glad I am not living on the East Coast, worrying about two aging parents.
Rebbecca Hill says:
Hi Belle, this is beautiful;
Hi Belle, this is beautiful; and like, Catherine, am filled with a feeling of love in my heart. Your closing words will stay with me--thank you.
p.s. I admire your artwork very much. I love the expressions, color, and cultural aspects of the first piece. And equally enjoy the second--alive and vibrant, which makes me think of Van Gough--one of my favorites.
Abdelwahab Hammoudi says:
"Is taking care of your parents non-negotiable?"
I did not even think,that on this planet,someone ,somewhere could utter theses words! In my novel "The Golden Nightingale",the hero ,a cop,says to his cousin Lina,when she noticed that he loves his parents very much,this:
- If you are looking for selfless love,Lina,don't run the world searching for it.It dwells only in one place and that's your parents' eyes .If they are still alive,look for it there.If they aren't,stop searching it.You will find it nowhere!
For this,I think they deserve to be taken care of.
Hombre
Belle Yang says:
Catherine, Susan, Eric, Farzana, Jessica, Rebbecca, Abdelwahb
Thank you so much for your warm and thoughtful responses. For a country founded by renegades, America can be stifilingly negative toward those who do things differently. In my 30's, Very odd. But if you can define your own goals and needs and pick and choose the best set of customs from your old culture to meld it into what's life-engendering in America, you've got a decent life.
Ivory Madison says:
Family
Belle,
Mark Twain said that when he was fourteen, he couldn't believe how ignorant his father was, but by twenty-one, he was astonished at how much his father had learned. I think we all have the experience that the older we get the more we appreciate, respect, and can empathize with our parents and grandparents. When they're gone, we realize the missed opportunities for more time with them.
The cycle of life is the cycle of life, and anyone who thinks they will escape it by isolating themselves from their elders is running away from their own future (and their own past).
As my grandmother lost the ability to do things for herself, she became unable to walk, bathe, or feed herself, yet she felt guilty letting me help her. I would remind her that she had cared for so many when they couldn't care for themselves--her children when they were small, and her mother, sister, and husband when they were dying. I would tell her how lucky I was to get the chance to care for her as she had cared for me and my mother. I would remind her that she had earned it and I enjoyed helping. She would nod, but wasn't convinced.
I would not be anywhere near the person I am if I hadn't spent so much time with her when she was in her seventies, eighties, and nineties. It wasn't until she was in her late eighties that I found out how much she was overcome by the beauty of red trees in the fall, even after seeing it every year for almost a century. I'll never forget her face when I took her for a drive and she looked at all the trees with wonder and told me how much she loved them.
I'm glad for thousands of moments with her, but that one stuck with me especially, and now every year, although she's gone, I get this burst of wonder and gratitude when I see the red trees of fall. I wish she was still here and living with us now, so we could see them again together. If your family is filled with love, there is no reason to ever let them go.
Ivory Madison
Founder and CEO, Red Room
Belle Yang says:
Hi, Ivory
I've been wondering about the so-called generation gap--whether it's necessary. We assume that it is just part of being a teen to push against elders. Yesterday, Ruth Paget, a Redroom member, came to my house with her 18 year-old daughter, Florence. We spent 5 happy hours together, laughing, telling stories, walking, eating ice cream. Florence was simply delightful in the way she responded to her mom's ideas and emotions. She is home schooled and will go away to college next year. It has made me question the way young people are "taken away" by society and molded in a confined, cramped, noisy space, known to one and all as SCHOOL.
Thank you for the wonderful comment--essay--about your grandmother. It's easier for strong people to give than to be the recipient of care.
I can't get enough of Laning and Joseph Yang. I think we met in another life.
See ya soon.