Obsessed with Acrobats and Solitude
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I'm coming to the end of my Manchurian trilogy (the last of the three books to be published next year in graphic novel format), which I've worked on for twenty years. It is my obsession no longer, nor do I owe the unrequited ghosts of my ancestors the labor of my heart and pen.
I was obsessed this week in defining what truly obsesses me today. I would say I am obsessed with keeping life in balance, not to lean over the edge because, like a cartoon character, I've managed to go over cliff multiple times and live.
It's not surprising that I continue to return to the theme of Chinese acrobats, tumblers, cups and dishes arching in their fall. I am an artist, a shaman of sorts. I can make objects pause--stop in midair. They are tugged by gravity, but they never strike the ground and splinter in smithereens.
One of the first acrobat paintins I did in the early 90's.
Many years of my adult life has been a rescue operation. As I approach my 50th birthday, I no longer want to be picking up the pieces, over and over again. I am obsessed with protecting my solitude, so I can continue to paint and write. I am obsessed with not allowing abusive people into my life--users, killjoys, the complainers, the violent and the insecure/narcissistics--to waste a fraction of a second in the remainder of my days.
A piece I just finished for Hauk Fine Arts. I love this one.
This piece painted three or four years ago.
I wrote the following poem to go with the above image:
when I arrive at equilibrium
forces tumble arrangement
I gather
wit
will
wile
stack them again for
handstand on edifice
juggle rice bowls with feet
plunge inevitable
insistent—
gravity—but I
swivel midair and
land softly on
pause
I see a vast space opening out in rays of light as I travel into the years, befriended by my own companionable imagination.
***************************
Belle Yang Redroom Retrospective
Belle's book videos and documentary on Youtube
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Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
Hi, Belle-- I get this
Hi, Belle--
I get this statement, and it is a task, this:
"I am obsessed with not allowing destructive people into my life--users, killjoys, the perpetually depressed, and the insecure/narcissistics--to waste a millisecond."
No wasting! But sometimes, I can't see the joy from the killjoy! I need better glasses.
Lovely, lovely paintings, as always.
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Waldo . says:
Agreed...
There comes a point in ones life where the drama loses it dramatic flair. We have been trying live a drama free life for many years and when achieved... pure bliss.
Best wishes on your journey.
Belle Yang says:
Dear Waldo and a handful of other (you know who you are)
Thank you for reading and looking at the art in the way it was meant to be read--as musings of a person who has lived a full life and is making a healthy individual choice.
I'm not sure why anyone would want to agree, disagree. It is what I know is good for me.
Solitude is indeed bliss. Most people ocuppy their lives with innumerable activities and "friends," so they don't have to be alone with themselves.
Rosy Cole says:
I think we have all latched on to your
innocent and unassuming remarks, Belle, because we live in times of real invasion. The smaller the globe has become, the more boundaries on every level of existence are being overrun and we feel rightly threatened to the extent that we're panicked into obsession.
Belle Yang says:
Hi, Rosy--
Thanks for the explanation. It makes perfect sense.
Belle Yang says:
Dear J
It's hard, but we grow faster at picking him/her out in the police lineup, don't we? At least we can slow down and watch 'em and see if what they mouth matches up with what they do. I was thinking of you today. You've put so much good energy into moving your life in the direction you like and need. That's really to be congratulated. Met with a few bitter people who could not spring out from their own unhappiness trap. Brava.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I am obsessed with not
I am obsessed with not allowing destructive people into my life--users, killjoys, the perpetually depressed, and the insecure/narcissistics--to waste a millisecond.
As I age, I've become very conscious of the sands passing through the hourglass and, like you, I do not have time for these people. I'm also screening out people who continually make poor choices in their lives, as they tend to suck me dry if I let them. Better to save my compassion for people who will actually benefit from it.
Belle Yang says:
Oh, Ellen--
The story you told of the professor is so instructive and i am glad you shared it in your post. I guess I don't feel as the only person to have gone through similar situations in my first years out in the world. I keep having conversations with my youthful self--and as you said in an even earlier post, your journals are gifts of a young Ellen to the Ellen of today or the future. It's a wonderful way to put it. What I learn today is a gift for tomorrow!
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I figured I couldn't have
I figured I couldn't have been the only young woman used in this way. How different it all looks from the vantage point of middle age.
Young Belle is collecting many, many gifts to present to elderly Belle, I'm just sure of this.
Farzana Versey says:
Belle, I understand the
Belle, I understand the obsession with solitude to do your own thing, things that are precious but I wonder if one can remove oneself so as to not be affected by the outside. take your earlier blog on the accident. It made you think of such diverse things...
I shall use the same quote Ellen used:
"I am obsessed with not allowing destructive people into my life--users, killjoys, the perpetually depressed, and the insecure/narcissistics--to waste a millisecond."
Do we have any control? And how do we know what a situation or person will turn out to be? I have tried to use several ruses, but in the end I prefer my real vulnerability (as opposed to cynical take on issues!). As I grow older I regress...
~F
Belle Yang says:
I would like to know more about you Farzana
because of your cultural background, fully comfortable in the East and West??? I dunno. It's easy to make mistakes in judgment in youth. As we grow older, some of the spills break our bones. I've always stood up, but I am more brittle. If I can forsee an accident, I will avoid it. I'm sure the man I hit would have preferred that I not run smack into him-lol!
Abdelwahab Hammoudi says:
But in the end
But in the end,as Yung says,could we avoid meeting our shadow?As long as it is the recurrent item in our life and an urgent call for our salvation!
Belle Yang says:
Abdelwahab
If we take out Jung out of the picture, what in your Algerian cultural mix would symbolize meeting our shadow?
Abdelwahab Hammoudi says:
Sometimes
Sometimes a sweet word uttered by someone you do not know and who crosses your way unexpectedly,sometimes a beautiful landscape that makes you feel that your heart can now contain all the universe,sometimes a breeze that embraces you like a lover,sometimes a melody you hear for the first time but you recognise as a missing friend,in one word,my shadow is all these hopes and dreams that people around us have never allowed us to fulfill.
Rosy Cole says:
I thoroughly respect Belle's and Ellen's intentions
but my view echoes Farzana's. (And Hammoudi has a good point.)
Cynicism is too high a price to pay. It's always a safe bet because humanity is flawed and, for the bearer, it holds all the elements of self-fulfilling prophecy. Plus, it's not easy to 'write off' a close connection, as in the instance of my late mother who carried the cross of being one such as Belle describes. We need to think about what that means. However much ill-will these people excite, in being open to resist them, we avoid being like them - a sort of confirmation of opposites. It's not quite the same thing as being obsessive about avoiding them. Which costs.
I see no choice but to be vulnerable, but would hope that will always be tempered by the wisdom of experience as I get older. It's only right to admit that I give fewer chances than I used to. Just haven't got the energy to spare!
Belle, I do share your obsession with adequate solitude and always have.
Belle Yang says:
Vulnerable
is a scary word. I never want to put out the signal I am vulnerable; neither do I want to be all scales and claws.
Catherine Nagle says:
Sooner or Later...
we find that all of us are "thee" Orphan and the Widow.
http://www.redroom.com/blog/cath4608/true-widows-and-orphans-updated.
Do you think this can apply, here, as well?
Truly,
Catherine Nagle
Belle Yang says:
Moving piece, Catherine--
I'm an only child. My best friends and mentors are my parents. I have no relatives in the US with whom I feel kinship. I've always been a solitary being. When my parents fly off together like a pair of swans, I wlll be untethered from blood relationships of any sort, yet I am attached to everything: the Earth, insects, birds, a few dear friends . . .
Catherine Nagle says:
Attached to everything: the Earth, insects, birds, ...
a few dear friends...
"God writes the gospel not in the Bible alone, but on trees and flowers and clouds and stars."~Martin Luther
Truly!
Catherine Nagle
Ryoma Collia-Suzuki says:
Balance is a worthwhile
Balance is a worthwhile obsession to have, something that I wish more people in the world would strive to achieve.
In a world of noise, the peace of solitude, particularly to an artist or writer I would imagine, is a gift, not a self imposed isolation.
Solitude does not mean loneliness imho.
Perhaps for some in society, this may be seen as cynical. Personally, I see it as realistic. The very foundations of society is flawed, contradictory and, to a degree, hypocritical. We are millions of individuals, all unique, and yet the 'rules' that govern most people's lives in order to fit into society are generic and built on foundations that are millennia old, outmoded and outdated. To seek distance from this is to seek release from the imperfect burdens and confines of social and political correctness.
Those people who seek to invade this precious gift of solitude, these 'vampires' who would drain the very life from us, our emotional, psychic and physical energy, they deserve not a a single ounce of our attention in my opinion. They are nothing and should be treated as such.
On a jollier note, I absolutely love the paintings you have posted!! I've never thought of it before, but yes, an artist is much like a shaman. I love the description, Belle. :)
What a wonderful companion to have as you travel into the years as well. :)
Belle Yang says:
I'm not sure why it is I feel this way, Ryoma,
but even going to events on my own without a companion makes me youthful. I attend town hall meetings, I flit about on my own without anything or anyone to brace me, and I feel limber. I watch the world with more acuity when I do this. Now traveling in a land outsdie of the West is never easy for a solitary woman, but that's another story.
Ryoma Collia-Suzuki says:
Just some thoughts
I can't describe why, but I do feel that I completely understand what you describe. Maybe it is the feeling of complete independence which frees you to flit like a butterfly wherever you wish, and observe the world, and build thoughts of your surroundings without the influence of any one else, neither positive nor negative. That's complete freedom imho. I don't know, just a few thoughts, that's all. :)
Eric Nichols says:
I guess I don't have enough
I guess I don't have enough angst in my life to be a true artist....not that I go looking for it, mind you. :)
I really did have kind of a Leave it to Beaver childhood. No traumas that I recall. There is a great line in the Simpson's. Homer says, "Me and Marge have a marriage based on the solid foundation of routine."
That was pretty much it in my home. Perhaps that IS tragic in sort of a perverse way...but I don't think it's hurt me much to be "normal" whatever that means. :)
eric
Belle Yang says:
Eric,
Trust me. You are far from normal. If you were normal, we wouldn't be friends in RR.
Eric Nichols says:
Speaking of
Speaking of obsessions......
Q: Why do toadstools grow so close together?
A: Because there isn't mushroom!
(I'm sorry....I realize that was in spore taste. I can't help it: I'm just a fungi!)
:)
We now return you to our regularly scheduled broadcast.
Eric
Catherine Nagle says:
The peace of solitude...
is truly a gift. Our greatest gift. And sometimes, as Rosy says, it's not easy to "write off" a close connection, as a parent, sibling, and relatives. I have also experienced being on the other side of this; from those who distance themselves from "my presence" of deep despair, at a time I longed for some understanding?!... So, I would imagine that there would be situations and circumstances that would allow some of us a healthy distance, with balance, freedom, and peaceful solitude, as you have found with Joy.
As long as other lives are not affected by it.
Truly, Catherine Nagle
Abdelwahab Hammoudi says:
You join
You join what used to say the French philosopher"Jean Paul Sartre":
THE HELL IS THE OTHERS (L'enfer c'est les autres).
I talk a little about it in my video
http://www.redroom.com/video/the-911-syndrome
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
Okay, how about this: We
Okay, how about this: We can meet up with our shadow, but we don't have to go dancing with it!
We can't avoid entirely that dark energy, which is part of life. But we do not have sit side by side, every day, with it. I've spent some time recently taking myself away from people from whom I feel that dark energy, that stuff that no longer nor never did work right. It's too much energy to stay by that energy and there isn't enough coming back. It is hard to break those connections but so worth it in the end.
So much more peace.
But hey, if I meet my dark shadow coming down the sidewalk, I will say hi. And move on.
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Catherine Nagle says:
So much more peace.
I couldn't resist copying this message here, By Mike Dooley:
"Okay, to clarify a bit:
You simply do not owe anybody, anything, ever.
Whoever they are, you are in their life because it served them. It made thier life better. This is what they wanted. You are not in their life because they wanted to serve you. You can feel good about this.
It's the ultimate compliment.
They are in your life because it served you. It made your life better. This is what you wanted. They were not initially, nor are now they primarily, in your life because you wanted to serve them. You can feel just as good about this. This makes the world go'round. That's just the way it works.
And it's okay if and when your needs and theirs change. This also makes the world go' round.
Hope that didn't hurt.
You're free.
By the way, you've always made my life better."
"Notes from the Universe"~ Mike Dooley
( I read this often to give me strength and support, when the darkness is so draining.)
Truly,
Catherine
Rosy Cole says:
Mike Dooley's philosophy is wise, Catherine,
as far as it goes.
But, you see, I think we actually do owe Life and the Universe, and all those who have laboured (and died) to make our existence better, our best shot, however we choose to manifest that.
Everyone resents passengers. The realm of Nature deals them summary justice - merely by instinct. But human beings have been given divine gifts and more elevated and refined emotions - wisdom, compassion, insight - to help create good out of bad and order out of chaos through those who are thrust into their path.
In the end, whether our lives are short or long, we all die to make way for others on this planet. It might as well be via a cause we elect ourselves. That's what being in control of your life really means!
Huntington W. Sharp says:
Another way I heard it expressed...
..."There are no passengers on Starship Earth. We're all crew."
I don't know how that ties in with Catherine's very wise-sounding quote, but my intuition tells me they're not mutually exclusive ideas.
Huntington Sharp, Red Room
Belle Yang says:
Hunti and all
Another thought. Even if I've written about keeping out harmful people in my life and living a life of solitude, I did not say I was going to be a Buddhist monk in the mountaina above the clouds. At age 50, the question is what can I do to make things better as a crew of Starship Earth.
Belle Yang says:
I've never heard it said
it in this way before. It doesn't hurt. It's freeing. Thank you, Catherine. I think my post has become a Rorschach test of sorts.
Matthew Biberman says:
Beautiful solitude
Love the pictures and congratulations on nearing the end of a project, which, it seems, is also a vista from which to view new opportunities.
Catherine Nagle says:
Thank You Belle:-)
For your beautiful art and your wonderful "wise" quote:
"I see a vast space opening out in rays of light as I travel into the years, befriended by my own companionable imagination."
Even though I have sixteen brothers and sisters, You and I are an Only child, too.
May you be blessed with abundance of all the good things that continue to bring you Love, Peace, and Joy, for all the days of your life.
Truly,
Catherine Nagle
Evie Shockley says:
i love the last lines . . .
. . . of your poem, Belle: "I / swivel midair and / land softly on / pause." Beautiful image, and so appropriate to the way your paintings capture the daring and the riskiness and the skill of the Chinese acrobats. I think this is the first time I've seen your own poetry, Belle, and I thank you for it.
As for the self-protective philosophy, I can get behind that. I don't see how anyone who knows you here on RR can imagine that you will be left alone and friendless in this world by a practice of filtering out the folks who bring more negative than positive energy into your life. You clearly attract lovely RR people to you like a magnet! How could it be any different in real life? : )
What I hear you saying is that you've learned a few things in 50 years about your emotional needs and how to create a better environment for meeting those needs. Of course you should use that knowledge. That's what the old saying -- "with age comes wisdom" -- means! : )
Peace.
Belle Yang says:
Thank you very much, Evie
I appreciate your words deeply.