As many people who write books are wont to do, I was on Amazon.com not long ago. But I wasn’t checking on rankings or anything. In fact, I was looking to find remaindered copies of a couple of my books, to buy in volume.

There were no one-cent-plus-$3.99-shipping deals, but I happened onto a song called “Ben Fong-Torres.”

Say what? But there it was. Amazon offers mp.3 downloads, so the song was available for 89 cents. Still in a state of disbelief, I got a 30-second sample. Sure enough, there was a chorus of voices shouting my name over a polka - punk-rock beat. The words were a blur, but I made out “it’s not an accident…is he from south of border or from the Orient.” And a robust shout of “Ben Fong-Torres is a helluva guy!”

Weird, wild stuff, as Johnny Carson—or was it Dana Carvey?—would say.

So I sprang for the full song and began some research. It was done by one Christopher Van Epps, and it was on a CD called Where I Am, which was released back in October, 2002. His discography listed three albums. While my (yes, my!) song downloaded, I traced Van Epps to myspace, where his bio noted that a distant cousin of his invented the seven-string guitar in 1938, that he’s been playing music for about 20 years, and he once had a band called Jack Ruby’s Alibi.

Listening to my download, I began to make out a few lines, including:

“Ben Fong-Torres will debate you to death

"He’ll even do your dry cleaning while on crystal meth.”

I need to talk to this guy, I thought. I sent him an e-mail and learned that he’s a technical writer in Raleigh, North Carolina. He kindly e-mailed me a copy of the lyrics to the song and noted that my letter was “the highlight of my weekend.”

He told me that it was the movie Almost Famous that inspired him to turn me into a song. “I just kept saying your name over and over … Don’t you agree it’s a lyrical, rhythmic sounding name?” he asked. For the song, he did some “modest research,” and he said he hadn’t tried to reach me because of shyness. The CD, he said, sold only “a handful.” I began to feel a little sorry for dragging down his sales.

But hey—what about that line about my using crystal meth? “That’s what you call desperately trying to find a rhyme,” Van Epps said, laughing. I’m thinking “Beth” and “breath,” and that the “death” line (“Ben Fong-Torres will debate you to death”) wasn’t exactly accurate, either. I hate arguing. So I went right to the next point of contention:

Ben Fong-Torres is a helluva guy!

He can write a book on Marxism without even try-ing…

Besides the dangl-ing “ing,” what’s the deal with Marxism? “You are well-read,” Chris said. I could almost see him bowing and scraping. “I mean, you came up with that book about The Doors. That’s a postulation that you can just whip it out, no big deal.” Sure, Chris. The Doors book came out three years AFTER your song, but I’ll let it go.

But then, to rhyme “Rolling Stone,” he wrote, “They love him in the A.M., by P.M. he’s alone.” Not true, as long as I have my Project Runway and my battery-operated sleeping dog.

Finally, there was this puzzling couplet: “Ben Fong-Torres has spoke to H. Thompson. Never been sued for libel; by the dozens they all come.” “Has spoke?” “H. Thompson?” “By the dozens they all come?”

As we used to say at Rolling Stone, “Wheh!” Rewrite!

So I sent him my own version, including:

His name is Ben Fong-Torres, he wrote for Rolling Stone

He was in ‘Almost Famous,’ going ‘crazy’ on the phone

Ben Fong-Torres, once spoke with Janis Joplin

She wasn’t half as gonzo as Dr. Hunter Thompson!

Ben Fong-Torres, he followed all 12 steps

The thirteenth is a song by Christopher Van Epps!

Mere hours later, he responded. “These lyrics are hysterical! Way better than mine. I may have to go back to the studio with them!”

Uh-oh.