Red Room Where the Writers Are

About once a year the media decide it's time to talk about the state of women's happiness (or unhappiness as it turns out), and frankly I am tired of it. Not because I think that women's happiness isn't an important subject, but inevitably our media and other talking heads seem to miss the point.

 Take Ross Douthat, conservative columnist for the New York Times for example. His piece, entitled, "Liberated and Unhappy," takes the same stance that men have taken for years in regards to the Feminist movement, which is that all of this equality is making women depressed. Torn between equality, a traditional family life and thier own sanity, women are forced to choose. The fact that this reeks of sexism apparently is not evident to Mr. Douthat:

"But all the achievements of the feminist era may have delievered women to greater unhappiness. In the 1960's, when Betty Friedan diagnosed her fellow wives and daughters as the victims of ""the problem with no name,"" American women reported themselves happier, on average, than did men. Today, that gender gap has reversed. Male happiness has inched up, and female happiness has dropped. In postfeminist America, men are happier than women."

Sure, compared to forty years ago, things certainly have advanced for women, but just because there are more examples of successful women, doesn't mean that we are in a postfeminist, as Mr. Douthat believes. In some ways women have lost ground sinces the throes of the Feminist movement. The fact that women have made some gains since the 1960's allows people to state that we are postfeminist. This, like the claim that America is postracial because we have a black President, stings of absurdity. The achievements of some should not distract from the larger picture of women in America today. 

Even liberals have joined the conversation about the "sudden decline" in women's happiness. Ariana Huffington, of the Huffington Post, in her column entitled, "The Sad, Shocking Truth About How Women Are Feeling," says she is completely vexed:

"When you think about all that has happened over the last four decades -- with women secruing greater opportunity, greater achievement, greater influenece, and more money -- the decline in our collective state of mind seems to defy logic, and raises the vexing question: What in the world is going on?"

She then goes on to endorse Marcus Buckingham, who incidentally is writing a few columns for Huffpost on this very subject. Mr. Buckingham is the creator of the "Strengths Revolution." The premise is that people, particularly women, should focus on their strengths rather than their weaknesses in the road towards self improvement. This is all well and good, but naive. This implies that if women just stopped focusing on all of their weaknesses, and started working on their strengths, that all of a sudden they would be more successful and happy. Hooray!

Unfortunately, those of us who recognize that there are basic systemic barriers to equality in this country, realize that changing your state of mind alone can't ultimately end discrimination. Until women are granted full equality (not just in the law, but in reality) they will continue to suffer from unfair disadvantages, which will inevitably make them less happy.

Let's look at the numbers. Although women are more likely to complete a college degree program, they are still less likely to be paid the same as a man with a similar educational background.

Women are still more likely to be the victims of violence, and it is largely from men that they know.  Women's bodies are still not completely under their control, and their right to choose what is best for their own bodies is constantly under assault. Women also comprise the majority of America's poor working class.

Women still complain of a "Second shift" in which they return home from work and they still have to do the majority of the house work and child rearing. Single women who have children are at a decided disadvantage when it comes to employment and housing.  The lack of child care, especially affordable child care, makes many women choose between their child and their professional goals. Child care is in dire straits, and is especially a problem if you are a poor woman. Day care today costs from $4,000 to $13,000 a year, per child. For women of color there is an even greater lack of access to affordable quality child care. 

While there has been an increase in stay at home dads, women are still largely told that they should be the primary parent to raise children, and that their role is in the home. Our society is constantly sending women mixed messages. Women are on the rise and have unequalled opportunities, yet at the same time many of them are "off-ramping" and leaving high paying careers in pursuit of family and biological clocks ticking towards the supposedly inevitable uterus time bomb. Black single mothers are told to get a job to be a good mother, while white single mothers are told to get married to a good husband and stay home. 

What all of this "concern" really boils down to is laid out perfectly by author Susan Faludi, in her book, "The Terror Dream: Myth and Mysogyny in an Insecure America." In it, Faludi flawlessly argues that America has long relied on the image of women in trouble, pain or unhappiness, to argue for sweeping changes in society, whether it is in the area of women's rights or as a case for waging war. All this talk about women's unhappiness being caused by too much freedom, or re-inforcing American myths about "can-do attitude," or women's roles ultimately fail to recognize is that women aren't as free as men. Not just in the past, but today too, and until they are, their lack of complete equality will be the cause of their unhappiness. Both conservatives and liberals need to recognize that women are the victims of a system that doesn't value them as much as it does men, and particularly white men. 

We can't confuse stress with unhappiness. Just because women are stressed because they have a job and they still have to raise the children, doesn't mean that women should stop working or give up rights just to have a family. It means that we as a society have not done enough to make it easier on women to get a job and to simultaneously balance family life. Men don't have to worry about this balance because for generations we have had women to worry about it for us. 

So please, let's not talk about women's happiness out of feigned concern for their wellbeing, while we continue to support or ignore the impediments that women face on a daily basis. Let's see an article on the state of male denial instead.