Adult Bullying: On the Rise?
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Yesterday my friend Inca and I spent some time together running errands. We were chatting about this and that when she turned to me and asked, "So what did you make of Hillary's response to that Congolese student?" (See also this article if you missed the news story.)
"Inappropriate. Unbecoming. Embarrassing." said I, without skipping a beat.
"I thought it was great," responded Inca, explaining that the student comes from a country that shows little respect for women in general and women in leadership in particular and, thus, it was wonderful to have the opportunity to show them all how things really ought to be.
Setting aside the colonialist overtones of that, I replied, "But she's our country's top diplomat. It's not her job to pick fights with someone who clearly wasn't angling for a fight. There was a language problem, maybe even a problem with translation."
"Oh, no, there wasn't. That student meant to ask about her husband's opinion," said Inca.
"But even if he did, it's unbecoming of a person in her position, not just as chief diplomat, but with that kind of power disparity, to go on the attack like that, and with a student, no less. Why can't she regulate her emotions?" I asked.
"She was jet lagged. She looked tired. Her elbow's broken." said Inca.
"Too bad. Ability to cope with jet lag and fatigue are part of a globe-trotter's job description. If our top diplomat can't deal with those, how can we trust her to manage complex and sticky diplomatic situations in addition?"
Back and forth we went, each of us firmly dug in. So we walked in silence for a spell, then moved onto the next topic of conversation.
Inca and I usually agree about things, so this has gnawed at me over the past day. There is an age/experience differential--I'm older by more than a decade. Maybe that is part of it. But, upon further consideration, one of the things that bothers me about the Hillary-in-Congo incident is that I do not like to be party to adult bullying. Hillary used her position, her power, and the global stage to publicly humiliate a very young man, and that doesn't sit well with me, no matter the circumstances. The senior-most person should remain in control and demonstrate emotional maturity.
When I was growing up in the Midwest most kids found themselves--at least once, typically in the junior high years--in the role of the bully or the bullied. For most of us, this was a brief phase in which we learned either to harness our aggressions and get along with others or run like hell 'til we were out of harm's way. Part of becoming a socialized human being. If the bullying was verbal, most of us heard the dreaded parental admonishment, "Sticks and stones may break your bones, but words will never hurt you." A damned lie that was. Words hurt more than sticks and stones.
I don't recall seeing adults bully each other or, worse, children. Maybe it happened. But I wasn't aware.
I did notice when I joined the professional workforce that some adults had not learned how to play well with others in the sandbox. They bullied their subordinates. One man I worked for--a fat man named Slim--used to kick a metal wastebasket across the room when he was angry. Didn't take much to make him angry, and so the office was an extremely tense place. Another manager I had early in my career made a habit of publicly criticizing her employees, though this habit quickly earned her the reputation of being a "difficult boss" by her superiors. I used to consider these people one-offs. . .nothing normative about them. Just bad luck if your path happened to cross theirs.
In Jordan I witnessed adult bullying taken to altogether new heights and lengths. It's a tribal culture, so when one member of the tribe decides to have a go at someone, the whole tribe piles on. . .forever and ever and ever, amen. No act is too petty or small. No end to the bullying, and no such thing as reconciliation and forgiveness. Very scary for someone like me, alone in a new country, without a tribe. Easy, easy pickings. But it helped me understand why that region is in perpetual turmoil. If bullying were an Olympic sport, the countries in that region just might have a lock on all three medals.
I've since noticed--and I won't out anyone here, but if you want to out yourselves, feel free--some RR blogs in which the blogger mentions s/he has been/is being bullied. Sometimes it's face to face. Other times it's done ever so gutlessly by exploiting the anonymity of the Internet.
Now there are entire Web sites dedicated to workplace bullying and cyberbullying and articles about the characteristics of adult bullies, the people they target, and how to respond to bullying.
Bullying has been linked to suicide and to complex post-traumatic stress disorder.
So, is adult bullying on the rise? If so, why? Is it a failure of parenting or a failure on the part of some to develop emotional intelligence? Has the Internet made it easier to be a bully? Why is it so difficult for some people to get along with the rest of us? Have we lowered the bar on what is considered acceptable behavior?
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jitu rajgor says:
Ell, tension created by
Ell,
tension created by teachers in students mind over issues related with competition, memorizing sums, achieving goals and for that purpose abusing weak students in front of whole class, do fall in this category? I have noticed this phenomena in physically weak students. They eventually develop inferiority complex, breathing and sleep related illness. Some time they themselves be abusive to their parent and siblings.In extreme condition suicide case has been noted.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I hadn't thought of this
I hadn't thought of this form of bullying but, yes, it does seem like the adults should be doing more to lower the stress levels. You probably see the consequences of this in your medical practice, no?
J Marc Schmidt says:
I can't comment on much of
I can't comment on much of your article, but having seen that video, I do think that the Secretary of State spoke inappropriately in that situation.
I think adult bullying could well be on the rise, and I think one of the reasons is that selfishness is no longer seen to be as bad as it used to be. Your point about possibly stunted emotional intelligence in modern life is a good one, too, and is connected to a rise in selfishness' respectability.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Welcome to my blog! Do
Welcome to my blog! Do people call you J, J Marc, Marc, something else?
Good point about selfishness not being the liability it once was. It's almost as though, if you aren't selfish, people think you are dim or naive. When and how did it come to this?
J Marc Schmidt says:
Call me Marc
Hi Ellen, glad to be here. You're right, selflessness and humility are associated with being naive and even weak nowadays. But as the Smiths sang, "It's so easy to hate, it takes strength to be gentle and kind." I have a few ideas on how society's view of selfishness has changed, but my thoughts are not well-formed enough for me to say them yet.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Whenever you're ready,
Whenever you're ready, Marc.
The Smiths have it right. Anyone can fly off the handle and act like an animal. It takes discipline and maturity and empathy to do the right thing.
Rosy Cole says:
Thanks, Ellen, for drawing
attention to a problem rife at every level of Western society which now seems to function primarily as a bullying culture. The corporate world runs on it, our health services, our halls of government, our local government, even the retail world and academe. Publishing, once dubbed the 'profession for gentlemen', is no exception. It's where we're coming from wholesale.
How can we begin to eradicate bullying within our schools when we issue such mixed messages? It's difficult to believe any Head Teacher who staunchly maintains that their school has stamped it out. By its very nature, it is subtle and underhand.
Isn't it strongly connected to the lack of respect for boundaries and ignorance of notions of trespass mentioned on Belle's page last week? It makes pillage, mental, emotional, psychological, actual, okay. This is what we accept now; it's not the behaviour of an errant few. It's one thing to try to dissolve barriers, quite another to wade into other people's territory on one's own selfish terms.
I wonder how far reality TV is a manifestation or a cause of it?
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Hi, Rosy. . .thanks for
Hi, Rosy. . .thanks for chiming in and for making the connection to Belle's recent blog.
I'm coming at this from having lived in a developing country in a part of the world where the level of daily violence (or threat of) is so much higher than anything I've ever experienced. And so, by that standard, the U.S. seems very tame.
But you are correct in noting how this bullying attitude is becoming pervasive. In my profession (business), it is often rewarded. . .lavishly. When I watch the Sunday morning political talk shows, it seems to me as though people enjoy talking over each other, raising their voices, dismissing the reasoned opinions of others. What happened to civility? We used to have it.
I don't necessarily think it's the job of the schools to teach basic decency. To me, that falls to the parents, with feedback from the schools, since they are probably among the first to detect when there is a bullying problem. But these days, a lot of parents tend to side with their errant children when taken to task for bad behavior.
Reality TV isn't helping this situation, but I don't think it's the root cause. It's rare to find a likable character on reality TV. . .the most obnoxious ones tend to get the most air time.
Mary Wilkinson says:
The issues you bring up are
The issues you bring up are very interesting. I feel that I have been a victim of bullying just quite recently but have come to accept that underneath it all, bullies are frightened, scared individuals who, having lived most of their lives, perhaps feel resentful that things did not quite work out as planned. It is heartening to know and read of your sense of justice and heart and broad mindedness. Mares
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Thanks, Mares. Sorry about
Thanks, Mares. Sorry about your bully. :-( How did you address the problem? Or did you just get out of the way?
I agree with your view that adult bullies are probably frightened, insecure, resentful people. It's difficult to imagine anyone with confidence, respect, and esteem carrying on like that. If only they could see themselves as others do, they'd drop that habit in a nanosecond.
Mary Wilkinson says:
Ellen, I have gone beyond
Ellen, I have gone beyond getting out of the way. I dealt with it head long, confronted it. I think you cannot live without asserting the truth and honesty that I always strive for and try to pass on to my children. Lies and mean spiritedness get you nowhere, as you know but sadly, many people do not see this, do not realise that life is not worth living unless you face the truth. I feel terribly sad for those deluded people out there, floating around like stray bits of matter that go nowhere, drifting aimlessly into the ether.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
And it worked? At least,
And it worked? At least, to your satisfaction?
Agree with you that, ultimately, there is something sad and pathetic about an adult bully. With children, there's still a hope that they'll learn and become well-socialized adults. With adults. . .not much hope. So much squandered time. So much love lost. . .or never found in the first place.
Mary Wilkinson says:
Yes, Ellen to my
Yes, Ellen to my satisfaction.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
I'm glad it worked out for
I'm glad it worked out for you, Mares.
I confronted the biggest bully of my life, a woman in her late 50s who surely should know better. I didn't confront her in the moment, as what she did to me was done in public. It was wa-a-a-a-a-ay out of line. But once there was privacy, I took it up with her. Like most bullies, she denied it, then she pretended to have forgotten, then she lied about it. She couldn't look me in the eye, couldn't even face me, sure as hell couldn't issue a proper apology. And so that was that. When it became obvious I wasn't going to settle for the shoddy treatment, she then went on to spread lies and rumors about me to the very people I'd done my best to keep this situation from (out of concern for her reputation). Charming personality, eh? When someone shows you who they are, it's best to believe them the first time around.
It didn't end well, but I did what I had to do, and my life is better for not having the dishonesty and the drama. When someone is that old and still carrying on like a pre-teen (no offense to pre-teens), there isn't much hope for reform.
Farzana Versey says:
Adult bullying has always
Adult bullying has always been around, except that it is camouflaged as ambitiousness, drive, killer instinct. The ones who don't push others down are considered wimps - in any field.
Rosy, you make some excellent points. School bullying, or ragging as we call it here, seems to be considered a 'preparation for life'.
Thanks, Ellen. I would have missed the report had I not read this. Bullying is a sport for many, many people.
~F
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Ragging. . .new use of the
Ragging. . .new use of the word to me!
I think bullying probably serves a Darwinian purpose, but I do think it is on the rise here, to a worrisome degree.
Jodi Thompson says:
Excellent questions to
Excellent questions to raise, Ellen. Thank you for doing so. I have to agree with all the responses, so far, particularly Mary, in that bullies tend to be scared and uncomfortable themselves.
I'm trying to learn to deal with being bullied, as I've been a bit of a doormat my whole life. I'm trying to do it without confrontation, as I hate confrontation. I find laughing things off works fairly well. Perhaps, Sect. Clinton might have tried that.
And, Ellen, so very true that words can hurt, even more than sticks and stones at times. We would all do well to remember that when dealing with young people.
Best advice for us all: Deep breath. Think. Feel. :-)
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
It is tough to figure out
It is tough to figure out how to deal with bullies, especially adult ones. Some of them seem quite mentally off to me, as though they haven't learned the basic rules of living with others and getting along and perhaps lack boundaries that are quite clear to the rest of us. I think some of them count on our basic decency and lack of the pugilistic instinct and maybe that emboldens them in some way.
It's nice when witnesses step in.
Luciana Lhullier says:
Ouch! I agree with Mary
Ouch! I agree with Mary here. Hillary´s reaction shows she probably feels insecure about being compared to her husband.That reporter touched her Achilles´ heel, exposing her insecurities, and she was not able to handle that. Then, what did she do? Gathered her weapons and smashed him. As a bully would do.
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Like the new photo, Lu! I
Like the new photo, Lu!
I agree with all you said about Hillary plus, when the student posed the question to her in the Congo, her husband had just brought home two young American journalists who'd been sentenced to hard time in a North Korean prison for crossing the border from China. President Clinton's visit to North Korea was spun as a private visit, but it obviously undermined her power and glory to have Bubba go in and do the rescue. Obama's been appointing all these special advisors and czars to do things that normally would fall on the Secretary of State's plate, so she can't be feeling that confident or secure in her job. Did the working person's equivalent of going home and kicking the dog. . .doubt the student questioner really had much to do with her peevishness that day.
Dorraine K. Darden says:
Bullying is most usually
Bullying is most usually about insecurity. If you're secure in life, and happy with yourself, there's no need to to make others feel inferior. Unfortunately, I've run across my fair share of adult bullies, and I feel they were allowed to get away with this behavior as children, and therefore never learned it was terribly wrong. Perhaps their parents were like this. And sadly to say, many adults who engage in this type of behavior never get told how wrong and hurtful it is. People don't usually confront them.
I say this, but I did try to do that one time, but the blame always goes to someone else regardless of the situation, so it almost seems to be a lose lose. The best thing one can do, is cut people like this out your life when you discover their basic nature has this capacity. If they are not willing to listen to loving advice, then they don't plan on changing any time soon.
As far as bullies in the work place this is different. You have to be there, and I can't imagine having that kind of tension and strife every day. Really, in the end, we are only responsible for our own choices and consequences in how we treat others. Best to add as much kindness to the world in order to make up for what's taken.
I'm thankful for you, Ellen, and the many kind people here. It's a refreshing find!
Ellen R. Sheeley says:
Thank you, dear Dorraine. .
Thank you, dear Dorraine. . .and back at you! You are such a reasonable, level-headed person.
I'm thinking of the adult bullies I know--particularly the ones about whom I know of their past--and they fit your description. Spoiled rotten as children, not particularly attuned to the needs or rights of others, massive sense of entitlement. They use their meanness as a shield, to keep others away and a little off balance, so they can go on and do whatever the hell they want.
I try to keep bullies out of my life. . .would never knowingly allow one in. It's in the work environment where it gets touchy, but usually everyone around a bully knows s/he's a bully, and that can be a bonding experience, albeit a dysfunctional one.
I find it easier to be a witness who steps in in such situations. Sometimes, all it takes is a dirty look or a small admonishment (e.g., "Hey, you can't do that!") from a third party and the bully goes skulking off in search of weaker prey. At heart, many of them are cowards.