Anybody who knows me for more than five minutes knows that I love to eat. And since I'm as obsessed with words as I am food, it won't surprise you that I'm deeply into menus. There's some amazing -- and some scary -- writing that happens on menus, and sometimes prose so purple you expect Prince Himself to come out and serenade you while you're deciding what to eat.

But there is something compelling about food descriptor words. As far as I can tell, here are the top ten terms on a menu most guaranteed to result in an order:

1. Drizzled
2. Sizzled
3. Battered
4. Slathered
5. Smothered
6. Finished
7. Artisan
8. Succulent
9. Crisp
10. Arugula

Then there are some words you don't want to see on a menu:

1. Fatty
2. Oily
3. Heavy
4. Choked (Smothered is delicious, Choked is not.)
5. Colon

You think I'm kidding about "colon?" There was an East/West fusion restaurant in Berkeley a few years ago that focused on medicinal food. They served bird's nest soup with tree ears to "cleanse the upper colon." I didn't mind the cleanse -- oh, no I didn't -- but I didn't like seeing "colon" on my menu.

I'm usually only mildly amused by the misuses of English on menus written by nonnative speakers because it's sleazy to laugh at people's efforts; English is hard enough to learn to speak as a second language, let alone write "succulent" in. I'll smile because I'm a little snarky, but I quickly move on. But my favorite menu of all is so outrageously translated that I had to steal one and smuggle it home. It's hanging on my bathroom wall. This is from a King Arthur-themed restaurant in Budapest (so that's bizarre enough right there). Included on the menu are items like:

Merlin's Basket -- Cutting the cream of the cattle into small pieces, I put the chilli strips magically into your basket.
Ouch! That might burn!

And:
Duck's roast joint -- Baking well the duck as you like it, larded with garlic and bacon.
I don't want to think about a duck's "joint," let alone eat a roasted one.

And:
Spear of the Red Knight -- All kinds of excellent food, like porkchop, sausage, onion, are stuck up manlike on my spit.
Uh.... no thanks. I'll just have mine slathered.