Red Room Where the Writers Are

Last night I had a dream about her. Why does a memory of the past still influence an unconscious mind? It has been four years I have not seen her.And I guess I will never have a chance to see her again. Between now and the time I would die,I would like to see her again one last time.

Walking back to the past where I met her , she was  an English language tutor , I a student at the Institute of Economics. She was on the graceful side, so very attractive with bright brown eyes and sweet smile.

Every time she raised a question to the class , my hand was always up .

“What is the meaning of oblivion? Anybody ?  Eugene .”

With the well-acquired knowledge of English language from  5 years of my monastic life, I became her loved pupil, whom she would borrow classic novels from her personal library.

Once I had read a novel  ,I would discuss its characters and plots with her. Often ,I would look into her bright eyes filled with kindness.

Months passed. I found myself mildly exciting to meet her to return her books, to watch her walk into a classroom and to meet her in some evenings. I became a frequent visitor to her apartment .We sometimes would go out together to have a cold drink in the hot summer evenings. I would slip some dried Starflowers between the pages of her books before returning them to her. She would pretend as though she didn’t notice the flowers.

Later she became very aware of the stream of affection in me for her. I too had discovered some lights, which might be interpreted a definite yes, in her eyes. Those days are really memorable and unforgettable. It was she who advised me keeping a diary to record everyday life, gave me a lovely blue-colored diary as a present. On the first  page of it, she  wrote a verse of George Darley down :

“A little cross

To tell my loss

A little bed

To rest my head;

A little tear is all I crave

Under my very little grave.”

 

 

We were nearly in love and everyone took it for granted that we were already lovers when an unexpected cause brought me to another lady , who would become my first girlfriend in a short while. Since the time I became the lover of other lady , I didn’t go to see the teacher again.

I dared not see her face nor meet her eyes whenever I ran into her in the corridors or somewhere on the campus . I really wanted to apologize her for my misbehavior but never did that because I knew such a bad deed required more than a few simple words ,”I am sorry”.

Even when I graduated from the university, I didn’t go and say good-bye to her. How awful!

 Nearly five years ago ,just after I had recovered from a love trauma for a girl I fell in love with, an opportunity to make life more bearable presented itself to me.

I was sipping a cold drink in the café of Sedona Hotel in Mandalay in an extremely hot day of cruelest April when two ladies   occupied the next table. A woman in her sixties and  the other in her early thirties.

At a glance, I was pleasantly surprised to realize that the young lady was my former English tutor back in my student days.

“Aw! You”, she amazed.

“Hello, teacher! “, I awed.

“No ,it is too late to hide your face ”,I said to myself.

I joined them for a formal howdy.

She said she was staying in that hotel for her mother’s medical check-up.

“Me? After graduation? I first worked as a translator and am now a tour guide. What about you, teacher? ,I said .

“I quit the teaching job. Now I am running my own department store in my hometown. “

In a soft purple dress, she was still elegantly beautiful ,still very adorable.

During the conversation that lasted about 10 minutes, I was feeling ashamed and desperate, keeping my eyes away from her beautiful face.

 

A few months after I met her at the Sedona Hotel, I came back to my hometown for a gathering. On an occasion, I mentioned the teacher in a conversation with a friend  ; that friend said the teacher often asked  about myself and she was still single.

So delighted I was to hear that.

Aha. Still single ? Often asked about me?

I sent her a letter describing how I was sorry about my bad deed and I would be happy to personally apologize her .As expected, she didn’t reply.

To convey my remorse in the best way ,I tried calling on her for the first time in her hometown since my unannounced departure from her life since 2001,.But ,she didn’t  seem  keen to meet me. I called her phone upon arrival in her town. Her maid answered that the teacher  was not well ,unable to meet any guest .

Next time, I was replied that she was out of town.

Third time, there was no answer at all.

Fourth, the teacher answered the phone .She said she would have been glad to meet me  ,but she was busy ,so……sorry.

The final attempt to call on her met with success, a few minutes to talk with her on the phone.

She wasted no time .She said,” I have been wondering what lies behind your requests to meet me .  If you were intending to offer me an apology , many thanks. Your apology accepted .Never come to my town .Don’t call me again. I am near to changing my phone. Go back home.”

“I see.Why don’t you want to meet me? “, I said.

“Do I need a reason for not meeting you? Why should I meet you? My life has been peaceful in a few years now. Please let me be happy by myself. So, go back home and try another girl.”

“I am sorry if I sounded like that. I came here with the intention to apologize you and to come back to you if you could accept me back. Ok,  teacher .  I promise I will never attempt to contact you again. Bye”.

“Bye”.

Now ,I was waiting for a bus for a ride to my hometown, disappointed and sad in the rain. My tears mixed with the rain drops were rolling down on my cheeks .

After a moment, a luxury car parked in front of me. The teacher was in the driver’s seat.

“Get in the car,” she said, turning her face away.

Surprised, I was motionless and wordless.

She said,” Are you crazy? You might get cold. Get in the car now. I am giving you a ride to your town.”

I tearfully apologized her while she was driving carefully. But, she seemed quite determined to not fall for me again.

Well,  no woman cannot stand a crying heart for long.

A few months later, She became my girlfriend after several phone talks and a bunch of letters.

There were happy days together ,when everything seemed alright and every second golden.

I was really  pleased to be in her arms, especially when she held me tight as though she would never let me go. I dreamed of spending the rest of my life with her, in her embrace, for her desires. We made secret trips to Thailand and Singapore making the parents believe that we travelled separately as living together before marriage is seriously condemned in my Burmese Buddhist  society . In early 2005,we engaged ,setting a date for the wedding in the near future.

But , life is not a book which you can conclude as you wish. It is stranger than  fiction.

One day, she discovered that I was in a relationship with other girl at the same time. She was so upset that she cancelled the engagement , promptly announcing in the dailies ,and travelled to a hill-station to spend several months with her relatives, declining all my attempts to meet her. Since then ,I would never have a chance to see her again. I could never tell her that the other girl she thought was my girlfriend was just a friend acting   more than a friend to me.

It has been four years now not seeing her or hearing from her .But, I hear from my friends that she is now much inclined to religion, and spend much of her time meditating.

As for me , I can do nothing about her on the understanding that she will never accept me again, though I still miss her so much to this day.

Life is hard down under when in loneliness. When in love, life always feels up top. Yet, to love and end in happiness is sometimes just an unfulfilled desire that remains in heart forever.