Previously published in the 'Splendiferously Important Homes of Her Majesty's British Isles' edition of Her Ladyshipness Magazine.

'How to dress your bookshelves so they achieve maximum impact when viewed from the street'

It is not good enough that those fortunate enough to be given an audience within the abodes of the elite be aware of the splendid nature of our interiors. We must also give some consideration to our standing amongst the common people. For that reason, no matter if it is day or night, we must keep our curtains open at all times. In the evenings, several lamps should be positioned near a window, so as to afford passers-by an adequate view of our formal rooms. Bookshelves should be positioned in a manner that allows the average individual, in possession of good eyesight, to appreciate the vast number of volumes present, thus securing his appreciation of our status as educated beings of superior intellect. It is not necessary that any book be read to achieve this effect; it is only necessary that books be present and that we make the effort, once a week at least, to stand near the window holding one as if it is being read. This is also a more than adequate way to observe the neighbours whilst appearing to be engaged in the pursuit of knowledge.

Now, you may ask 'what books should we place upon our faux-mahogany shelves?' The content, my dear ladies, is irrelevant. Any old books bought for a pound from a jumble sale will do as long as they have leather or cloth spines, as nobody will be able to tell the difference between trashy romances and the great works of our literary giants when viewed from the pavement if the spines have been correctly treated. The key is to rub off the titles, or paint over them, and replace them with ones more fitting to personages of our calibre. Here are some I prepared earlier:

Next time: Dressing to impress and the many advantages of owning a clipboard.