Red Room Where the Writers Are

[Like my earlier blog post, "Democrats Eat Babies on Christmas, Institute Says," this is a satire I wrote out of frustration at how absurd and "even-handedly" the mainstream press handles propaganda offered by the Religious Right. My earlier blog was picked up and reposted by the "Parenting Intelligence Report," showing that the results one gets from referral sites run by bots yield a similar result to those run by some journalists. I'm posting this as a late entry for Red Room's blog topic of the week, which was"Sex, Religion, and Politics." The following story tracks very closely with the vast majority of articles run by serious news outlets on similarly absurd allegations made by the usual suspects, swallowed whole by much of the media.]

Little Molly is a blonde, freckle-faced third-grader at Liberty Elementary school in the rural farming town of Liberty, California. Molly likes dolls and is good at math. She hopes to get married someday and even to get a job. She appears to have a bright future ahead of her.

“No she doesn’t,” say legal experts at the Breckenridge Center for the Study of Discrimination, “because starting in 2010, she could be kidnapped by the United States government and torn apart limb-for-limb by lions, in a publicly televised execution.”

Experts ask how a little girl who is polite to grown-ups and has a winning smile could be doomed to such a tragic fate? Because little Molly believes in God with all her heart.

The non-profit Rutledge Foundation for American Freedom is representing her in a suit filed this week in federal court against the State of California. Bill Steinberg, an attorney for the Foundation, says, “Right now, there is nothing stopping the California Legislature from introducing a bill authorizing the identifying, kidnapping, imprisonment, torture, and public execution by lions, of Christians statewide. That's why we got involved.”

The Institute for Legitimate Employment Rights, says that soon Christians will be unable to get jobs, because employers won’t want to invest in training an employee who might at any time be kidnapped by the government and torn apart by lions.

A random uneducated man in the street used to counterbalance the other sources in this article and give the appearance of fair, balanced, well-researched analysis says he is not sure that there is any discrimination against Christians, but there might be, how would he know. The Institute's executive director, Dr. Linda Ramirez, an economist, says this man is naïve, and noted, “If people want to shut their eyes to this sort of rampant, epidemic of anti-Christian bigotry, then this country is destined to lose it’s competitive edge in the global marketplace, because of all the dead Christians.”

Constitutional Scholar Bob Rollington of the Center for Centrism says that if the state of California is discriminating against and murdering Christians solely because of their faith, now or beginning in 2010, that would be a problem. “They really shouldn’t do that, if that’s the case. It’s a chilling thought.”

There is no pending legislation that would allow public-lion killings of other groups. Steinberg says, “You have a situation here in which feminists, homosexuals, Latinos, and other special interest groups are in no danger of being singled out by the legislature and murdered in a spectacular way, by lions no less…yet the Christians are.”

The Foundation filed a claim in federal court this week on behalf of little Molly and millions of other self-identified Christians in California, stating that this potentially proposed legislation violates every clause of every amendment in the California and federal Constitution, except for one regarding housing soliders.

According to experts, thousands of lives are at risk. A spokesperson for Mothers Concerned About Their Children commented, “If California topples to anti-Christian bigotry, it’s only a matter of time before all the other states follow.”

Governor Schwarzenegger has pledged to veto the legislation singling out and murdering Christians in a huge public arena by lions. However, lawyers for little Molly say that won’t be enough to stem the tide of hatred and discrimination that will possibly cut her life short. Dr. Ramirez said, “We’ve studied the issue, and all the legislature would need is a two-thirds majority to overrule that veto. Christians need to mobilize before that happens, to save themselves from being eaten by lions.”