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[This story originally ran in a major news outlet that shall remain nameless. Okay, I made it up in response to a story that ran in a major news outlet, which followed the same logic and put forward the same politics. I just found it in a drawer and thought it might be appreciated here more than in the drawer.]

Timmy is a cute little baby. With Aryan blonde hair and trusting blue eyes, he sits defenseless in his crib in Santa Ana, California, playing with a squeaky toy. Little does he know, his days with his squeaky toy may be numbered. According to the non-profit Institute for the Study of Justice and Liberty, Democrats may sneak into his house and eat him on Christmas.

“This is an outrage,” says former Republican Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R-IL), “First the Democrats want special rights, and now they are eating our babies. They must be stopped.”

House Democrats were not available for comment. A high-placed White House official confirmed that Democrats are planning to eat America’s babies, but he could not confirm the timeline as to when the cannibalizing might occur.

Attorneys for the plaintiffs in a case relating in some way to these assertions, say they have filed a request for an injunction preventing Democrats from eating babies through January 1, 2011. “However,” comments Robert Lorkin, a professor of law at Emory University, “even if the injunction is granted, there will be no protections for babies from being gruesomely devoured after that date, without a Constitutional Amendment.”