Red Room Where the Writers Are

Just to give you a little insight into how my mind works (brace yourself), I just finished reading an article on MSN titled, "10 Things Gas Stations Won't Tell You". It took me a few minutes to force my brain past the idea that gas stations don't talk, but what was really telling was that by the time I got to the first paragraph of the article I had concocted my own list. I don't know if I came up with 10, but I know two of them were "Your fly is down" and "Yes, your ass does look fat in those jeans."

Apparently, this was not the direction the article was taking. Sure, there article had some useful information, but I think mine was more accurate. A gas station will NOT tell you these things, just as it will not tell you that you're lousy in bed or you need a better mouthwash before you come to work in the morning. I'd take those sage revelations any day over the fact that brand name gas is higher because they can't shop around.

However, the list did inspire me to come up with an article of my own:

10 Things the US Government Won't Tell You

1) 47% of Americans pay NO federal income tax. None. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I know what you're thinking - those damned rich people! Guess again. This comes from all walks of life, but many are lower income and many of those somehow receive tax REFUNDS. How is it again that you get a refund when you don't pay anything?

2) Jeanine Garofalo is a jackass. Sure, you might hear it if somebody happens to record it without the president knowing a la Kanye West, but they're not going to come right out and tell you. By the way, she's just the latest in a long line of celebrities who feel it is their duty to talk down the American people (many of whom voted FOR Barack Obama) and claim they are racist for opposing terrible healthcare legislation.

3) Some legislation for healthcare doesn't even do what it's intended to do. Universal coverage? Well sure, we'll fine anybody who doesn't get covered. Except poor people. So they won't get coverage. Then they'll go to the emergency room and get treatment, driving up the costs for everybody else. Wait, that's what's happening already. So, what's the point of this legislation again?

4) There are no aliens or UFOs at Roswell. There is only bacon. Lots and lots of bacon. A country has to be prepared!

5) There are now officially more czars than there are nuclear weapons worldwide. Should the world agree to total nuclear disarmament, the plan will be to build really large catapults and launch czars at offending countries.

6) Saturday Night Live did a sketch mocking Obama. The gist? That all those right-wingers who claim he's destroyed our country are wrong because he hasn't actually succeeded at anything. The government will not tell you this and are counting on the fact that nobody has watched SNL since it stopped being funny sometime in the 80s to keep the sketch relatively quiet.

7) That though the terms are being used interchangeably to describe a government bent on absorbing large parts of the economy and getting involved in aspects of our lives we don't want it involved in, there is a difference between Marxism, Communism, Socialism, Facism, and the like. They won't tell you this because by using them interchangeably, the right gives the left a way to try to distract from the actual argument by calling people stupid for not knowing the difference. Kind of like how they use the race card to distract. And how they use the word teabaggers to discredit a powerful, patriotic movement. And how sometimes they don't wear pants.

8) That while, yes, there may be some white people who don't like Barack Obama because he is black, there are some black people who didn't like George Washington through George W. Bush just because they were white. This doesn't make those people the majority, the voices of reason, or influential leaders; it makes them ignorant racists no matter what side they're on.

9) That rape is rape and there's no such thing as rape-rape. Sorry Whoopi, you've just taken the reins of the jackass club with Kanye and Jeanine Garofalo paling in comparison. This might not have anything to do with the government, but it had to be said.

10) That every Tuesday is two-for-one margaritas at the White House. It's not a state secret or anything, but the crowds would just be huge if that got out.

So open your eyes! And don't wait for the government to tell you anything, because they won't!

Oh, and by the way, your ass DOES look fat in those jeans. Sorry.

J.E. Braun is the author of Paranoia, a 9/11 survivor's tale. Jim survived 9/11 but his life did not. Follow one man's journey through post-traumatic stress as he attempts to rediscover what once made life worth living. 10% of profits will be donated to the Twin Towers Orphan Fund (www.ttof.org). For more information, visit www.jebraun.com.