He's My Boyfriend, and I'll Cry . . . Oh, Never Mind
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Yesterday on Facebook, I asked a question that comes up for the middle-aged, unmarried man or woman who has a partner, a significant other, a lover, a sweetie, a honey, a "man, a "woman," a ball and chain, a companion.
What word to use for that said person that doesn't sound stupid.
When I was in the hospital and basically not truly all there, a nurse and I had the following conversation. He looked at Michael, who was standing next to my bed, and asked, "Who is that."
I blinked. "That's Michael."
"No," the nurse said. "Who is he?"
"Michael," I said again, certain that I was still under the influence of dilaudid.
The nurse--obviously used to dealing with drugged out people missing body parts--said patiently, "No, who is he to you?"
"Oh," I said. "He's my boyfriend."
And there I was, a forty-seven-year old woman with a boyfriend. The good news was that I fell asleep right after that and didn't have to contemplate the word for a while.
But for a few years now, I've had issues with boyfriend as it makes me feel so, well, young, and not in the good sense of young. Immature. Unformed. Slightly nutty, really, the old lady with her boyfriend.
It's not that I'm wanting to get married so that I can use the word husband, which has its own trials and tribulations in the culture. It's just the would boy-friend.
Michael is not a boy. And he's not just my friend. The word does not work.
In high school, I loved to say the word, using it whenever I chanced to actually have a boyfriend.
"Oh," I'd say. "My boyfriend is taking me out tonight."
Or, "My boyfriend and I are going to the movies."
Anything, anything, to get that would out into the air. I was wanted by this one boy (and he was a boy, literally, by definition of age). We'd become a couple. We did things together. We used the words to create a box around our relationship. It meant something.
I moved from boyfriend to husband by the time I was 23, and used the word husband for 23 more years, even when we were separated. Husband indicates a marriage. Indicates--at least in most states where you have to be of age--adulthood. It indicates family and togetherness and home. It's a solid word, however patriarchal you might find it. It's a word that makes sense, even if the marriage falls apart.
Now, I'm back to having a boyfriend. Worse, I'm a girlfriend. Not a girl (lord, ask my mirror about that) and not just a friend. We've been demoted to childhood status by the names we call each other. And my Facebook friends couldn't come up with anything that made sense to me, but we were all trying to use the existing lexicon.
For all us middle-aged and older folk who date, who love, who form relationships, I call out for a word that works. You can't use anything old. It won't work. Work on it. I know I will be.
Jessica
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Dale Estey says:
That li'l filly is my
That li'l filly is my partner, pardner. And vice-versa, think I.
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
Is that filly or
Is that filly or filet?
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Rosy Cole says:
Dual core...or more
It is a huge predicament, J, I won't deny. Using old words is taboo, you say, but what if they really are evergreen? ('Love' is an old word and means a multiplicity of things, but we still dare to use it.) Personally, I like the word 'sweetheart' even though it reminds me of those sugar hearts with messages on them. It goes right to the core of the connection.
Admittedly, there can be different kinds of this species. One of mine has four paws and a tail...
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
I do like sweetheart, and
I do like sweetheart, and like you, I think of the candies. But it is a one-beat word, the love there, but what else exactly?
Maybe I am looking too damn hard for this, and should just let it go! However, below, I notice a new word to contemplate. Very exciting1
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
J Marc Schmidt says:
Yep, the word you are
Yep, the word you are looking for is 'partner'. I'm not keen on it myself, as the older and still-used meaning of 'partner' connotes nothing of love and romance, but at least most people understand it when it's used in context.
I'd support the word 'imzadi', which is actually perfect for this situation and sounds good too, with its cute little 'i' at the end. But it may be too geeky for the general public to want to use. Then again, TV-coined words have caught on in the English language before. Let's see how it sounds:
"Who's that?"
"Him? He's my imzadi."
"Oh, nice."
or,
"Hey, imzadi, I'm going to the store. You need anything?"
"No thanks, I'm good."
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
Partner does remind me of
Partner does remind me of two old guys who run a dry cleaning business, but imzadi. Wow! That is worth go. I am going to go and try it out now and see what happens.
Thanks for the lesson on it, and I'll let you know how it goes.
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Ericka Lutz says:
Me too.
*MY* Michael says I'm positively allergic to the words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" -- he says them with a grin on his face when he wants to tease me. "Partner" doesn't cut it for me with him at this point in the relationship. And it might never work. (Neither does "slam piece.") Maybe "Sweetie." When you find the answer, let me know.
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
"Slam piece" is pretty
"Slam piece" is pretty clear, though. No confusion, as there is with "partner."
When I first hear of "partners" with names like Kris and Randy and Chris and Tim, I have no idea who we are talking about and am very confused upon introduction or until further discussion.
So, I will continue my research, and let you know when the best word floats by!
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Ryoma Collia-Suzuki says:
A pretty reserved way of
A pretty reserved way of putting it would be 'other half'. 'Soul mate' if you feel comfortable with it, and Sweetheart. I have people use 'Lover' or 'Beloved'. In the end, it's whatever a person feels comfortable with, isn't it?
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
You gave me the humourous
You gave me the humorous image of my uncle's face should I ever introduce michael to him as my "soul mate"! Thank you. Best J Jessica Barksdale Inclan www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Evie Shockley says:
i love "partner"
Yes, yes, I know, about the whole business association with the word. But, hey, in that sense, it's a more honest word than the marriage-words, which don't suggest the major economics that marriage involves. : )
But for me, "partner" brings up "partner-in-crime," a favorite term for a person you get into "trouble" with -- what better description for a lifetime commitment?! And "life partner," which makes clear to anyone that commitment is where you are, and always calls up for me an image of walking hand-in-hand down an endless beach... : )
Since I know that doesn't work for you, though, why not just address the issue that seems to annoy you the most -- age -- and call him your "man"? I think it's time to bring back "he's my man" and "she's my woman"! (I eagerly anticipate your rejection of this proposition! LOL!)
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
I have the urge to break out
I have the urge to break out in some 70's song. Or would it be a country western ballad, "Stand By Your Man," kind of thing.
So manfriend might be the word (ugh!). I wrote on Facebook yesterday that my oldest son refers to Michael as "my dude."
Partner in crime is a good thing, life partner is very optimistic, but I have found partner to be the catch-all term for us folks who can't find the word that really works. We have no history (yes, human collective memory!) for the kinds of couplings we have today. So, I suppose it's up to us to find them.
Man partner. Man sweetheart. Mandude. Man and chain. Man honey (oh, lord). I tell you, it's a conundrum.
Best,
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Bob Levin says:
Don't we have anybody here
Don't we have anybody here who speaks French -- or Italian? I'm sure they have a nifty term that applies. (Assuming my use of the word "nifty" doesn't disqualify any opinions I have whatsoever.)
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
I love the spanish novio,
I love the spanish novio, but no one knows what I'm talking about (save the spanish speakers). It's just time for some evolution in the english language!
Best
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Catherine Nagle says:
To a Very Special Lady...
Michael is your dear "Gentleman friend", and you are his one and only, "Special Lady"?
Truly,
Catherine Nagle
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
Sounds so refined! Southern
Sounds so refined! Southern almost.
Thank you.
Best
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Dale Estey says:
OK - I gotta say that "slam
OK - I gotta say that "slam piece" appeals to me. Innocent as I am, I had never heard the phrase.
Jessica Barksdale Inclan says:
My michael likewise found it
My michael likewise found it fetching. I think it is a guy thing.
J
Jessica Barksdale Inclan
www.jessicabarksdaleinclan.com
Dale Estey says:
Well, guys are partners,
Well, guys are partners, too.