by Sophie Barry

I knew it would only be a matter of time before they came to get me, so when the black SUV pulled up in front of my house it wasn't a total surprise. Four of them hustled me out the door, forcing me to look down at the pavement as I was placed in the back seat.

We drove across a bridge and up into hilly terrain. At dusk, I was led past a high wall, through a wooden door into the compound, once again forced to avert my eyes as mysterious items were removed from the vehicle to a secret hideaway...then it was back into the SUV for relocation to another locale and two hours of sitting in a darkened room, while mysterious images flashed across the wall.

One more ride, this time in the dark of night, back to the compound. I was told to disrobe, then stuffed into a strangely constricting, yet familiar, instrument of torture and led to the interrogation room.

The whole Council was in attendance, as well as a few new faces: Sheila, Audrey, Amy, Susanne, Lisa, Sandy, and Emily. They reminded me of the United States Supreme Court, only they were more serious.  

It was the showdown (and the show): time to make the final decision about which dress I would wear to my wedding. The choices, as you may already know, were:

“Mother of the Pumpkin Bride” AKA the beautifully-made but torturously-designed couture dress that required a record-breaking six fittings in muslin before fabric was cut.

“The Backup Dress” AKA a generous gift provided by this very Council, designed and made by Amy’s talented 21-year-old niece Melissa.

“The Stealth Dress” AKA a two-piece amethyst (I’ve since discovered)-colored Tadashi gown that Sheila and I found in twenty minutes on a desperation-run to Bloomingdale’s.

Everyone agreed that the Backup Dress is more rehearsal dinner/Paris night out than “wedding” – but we all oohed and aahed over Melissa’s talent and execution. Then it was time to get down to business.

“Mother of the Pumpkin Bride” got a nice reception. Exclamations were made over the beautiful lining, detail work, and transformation from the original design. Someone even said “what a great color!” But I could tell, deep down, that no one was wowed when they saw the dress on me.

Then came the Stealth Dress. And you know what? They were wowed. Amy found some gorgeous jewelry to go with it. Even I was wowed.

The decision of the judges was final.

Oh—there were also presents (pretty much everything you can buy at Good Vibrations, including edible panties), a yummy dinner, flowing wine, two films (“The Hangover”—those images on the dark wall—also a delightful compilation of movie clips produced by Amy), and the mystery item: a cake from Sheila’s favorite erotic bakery.

The only question that remained: what about Robert the designer? I begged the Council not to send the SUV for him, and after a few more glasses of Chardonnay, they reluctantly relented.