Forgiveness, forgiveness blog
I remember sitting all alone in my room listening to vinyls back in the day and wondering why my father never bought my mother a wedding ring. It wasn't like it was a terribly expensive thing to do. He had plenty of money to keep her in cigarettes and booze.
When I got a chance, I asked him. He clammed up and didn't reply. In fact, he didn't speak to me for days, until sobbing and afraid, I approached him and demanded to know what I had done wrong. I suppose it is hard to stay mad at a child (even when she is a teenager and more grown than infant, at least in appearance). Even his face softened and he relented and pulled me onto his lap to offer forgiveness and to ask for it in return.
That was probably the hardest thing to do in my life (ask for it) and hard for him to do (give it) but it taught me a great lesson.
Keep your nose out of other people's business.
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Heather Koelle says:
forgiveness
I believe there are no coincidences.That the topic of forgiveness was chosen this week coincides with an issue of fogiveness I am struggling with right now. In my childhoond there ws much verbal and some physiucal abuse,and it took me many years to firgive that(but not to forget) The theme in my life seems to flow around forgiveness.I have been hurt many times by many people,and all I can do is examine my part,make amends and move on.VEry recently I became involved in a cyberelationship with a gifted poet.He was my inspiration to begin writing my own poetry.He was a deep deep thinker and shared much of his life with me,much of it littered with failed relationships and loss and loneliness.I had experienced similar things altough not to the extent he had.We bared our souls to each other,and I fell in love,with his words,with his art,with his insights and humor.We never met,but we shared on a level that I have never shared with anyone before or since. I wanted more.I wanted to hear his voice,meet him in person and just talk and talk our lives out.But he could not go there,and so cut me off very abruptly,asking for no contasct ever again. I struggled with intense anger,depression and grief and loss.he could bring to the surface all feelings I had hidden my whole life.Now the cat is out of the bag and cant go back in.I am a bundle of emotions with nowhere for them to go.so I write poetry,write music talk with friends,and try to forgive this man whom I loved so deeply.And to try to understand. Forgiveness is a process.It comes(for me) in increments,as I try to put myself in the other person's shoes,as our great president so often says.but it takes time to push the hurt away,and to fill the empty space that was left where he used to be. so I use all the tools I can muster for recovery,just as I have done many times before,and I know,this too shall pass. Heather Koelle
Heather Koelle says:
forgiveness
I am struggling with forgiveness right now.
coming from a family where abuse was the norm and love was conditional,it was many years before I could forgive(but not forget)
Making amends is necessary,because holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.
Now thats all well and good,but right now I am nursing a broken heart.
for 5 months I had a cyber relationship with a man I never gotten to meet,but we met on a political site.He is a gifted poet,and inspired me to begin writing my own poetry.We shared our lives with one another on a very deep level,deeper for me than with anyone before him,including my husband of 43 years.
WE wrote each other daily,sharing our days and our thoughts and our pain and our humor.WE connected with our souls,two open hearts,both lonely,both seeking who we were about.
Then as suddenly as it started it ended,abruptly,no reason given,except he did not want to take this beyoned the bounds of cyberspace.
I will never fully understand this,as I had no intention of leaving my situation here.STrong roots with kids and grandkids,never expecting at my ripe old age to meet a soulmate!
but it happened,and the reason remains a mystery.AS I lick my wounds and try to put myself in his place(as our esteemed President says often) I realize I must let him go,having no control over the unanswered questions,his fear or his anger(if he indeed had it)and so I dedicate my poem "The Man In the Black Cape" on my page to him,this man who realizd my dreams,unlocked my soul and threw away the key.This man who could not really let me in.
Heather Koelle
Kim Smith says:
Truly it takes a strong and
Truly it takes a strong and big heart to forgive. I wish you peace, Heather.
Heather Koelle says:
A strong and Big Heart
Thank you,Kim,for your words of encouragement.I am slowly trying to let go of this man,but I feel his presence near me always.On Sunday I went to an energy reader(I explore the metaphysical)and she saw a "man in a black cape" with his back to me (see my page hbk7344).She correctly indentified one of his lines of work,carpentry.when I asked her if he cared for me she said"his heart lights up" but behind that is much fear and sorrow.This was right sounding to me,as he seemed to want only an ethereal relationship that he could control with his boundaries.Ironically,I was the one who should have set up the boundaries,being married with grown kids and 2 grandkids!(He was single)but I am one of those "free spirits" that think its possible to love 2 people in different ways.
My cyberfriend was one I could share my life journey with,as he did with me.My husband ,on the other hand offers financial stablility,practicallity,is an honest person but also has deep seated intimacy problems that he wont address,which affects our relationshp in a negative way.Being a child of divorce and lots of trauma assosiated with that,I choose to stay in the marriage.I also broke the chain of abuse wtih my own kids,and now rejoice in watching my daughter be a caring wonderful mother to my 2 grandkids,ages 2 and almost 5.
My cyberfriend is a memeber of red room.But he hasn't written here in a long time.WE met on an Obama empathy site.Ironic,isn't it?When I go in too close he could not go there,and so cut me off so abruptluy my head still spins.
Empathy at 10,000 feet!
I still feel the big hole he left in my heart,and am trying to have hope that something good will come out of it.I wrote him a letter of amends.There was no reply.
Thanks again for your support.
Heather