Red Room Where the Writers Are

No cheating. If you have not read part one of this story, do not pass go, do not collect $200, return immediately to part one. It's floating around here somewhere between Paris and New York.

Now, back to the dealership we go.

We have already established to be a successful car salesperson, one must be a clever little marketer.

Contrary to popular opinion, the often abused salesperson does not stand around with a pen and a worksheet simply getting customers to sign on the dotted line by flashing their Ray Bans. They are not clerks behind the meat counter of a deli, although, I sometimes wish people would view them as such. I've yet to hear a shopper in line at the butchers arguing, “$2.99 a pound for ham! No way, go back and offer your manager $2.49. Not one cent more! Listen hear Mr. Scammer, there are five other butchers within three blocks of here!” Then mutter to themselves as they stomp out the door, “Criminal pig-hacking bast**s!”

Let us visit the typical Monday in the life of a car salesperson.

8:00- Morning staff meeting

The sales staff shuffles in after their weekend off. Oops, already made a mistake. Car people work every Saturday and some work Sunday, as well. Joe Salesguy can't take a day off since a customer may return to buy at any time. He's already invested 100 hours with Mr. Customer and does not want to give his colleague, Jack Salesman, half his $300 commission for spending 5 minutes taking a deposit from Mr. Bizzy Customer.

I know what you're probably thinking, “Why doesn't Joe just tell all his customers what his day off is?” Yes, this is a wonderful idea, yet does not seem to be effective. Mr. Customer is a very busy person and only has 10 minutes to buy a car and he wants to do it “right now.”

No matter what the success of the dealership that week, the boss will tell all twelve salespeople they better get their asses out there and get some cars "Over the curb and burnin' gas." They are weak, they are useless, and the Dealer Principal is tired of spending a fortune on advertising to get customers in the door only to have the “Ops” (pronounced “ups” secret code for opportunities) wasted when they go down the street and buy from XYZ. Now, the DP can't be at the meeting because he is toiling away managing the construction of the $600,000 boat house addition to his 5 million dollar cottage.

After the meeting, all twelve agents race down the steps like a pack of starving Klondike coyotes to see if there is a customer waiting for help.

Poor, poor customer. He feels as though he is a 200 pound musky in the middle of a fishing tournament.

“I need to drive these three cars, see nine different payments, get my trade appraised, and hurry up. I only have 10 minutes.”

You see, Mr. Customer has to get back to his office and shop on vacations.com to book those tickets to Hawaii in hopes his trophey wife will drop her hair straightener long enough to have sex with him.  

You realize, I'm not talking about you here. You are writers. You, like the car people, live by the truth of; don't sell, don't eat. You, like the car people, do not have a fat bank account begging to be thinned by a trip to Maui. Unless you happen to be Amy Tan, or Salman Rushdie. If you are, by the way, would you loan me some money and/or endorse my book?

I bet you're wondering where I'm headed with all this.

Stay tuned for part three-- coming soon at zero percent financing to a Redroom near you.