Learning to Forgive Oneself as a Performer
My acting teacher, Kali Meister, can't teach me how to forgive myself for false steps made at a recent performance. She says that's the kind of thing we each have to learn for ourselves. Damn! She's taught me everything else I know about performing my work.
Recently, at the Laurel Theatre, I forgot the lines to some of my poems. No matter that I had practiced them endlessly. Once I got up there, under lights, I let go of patches of poems. I even forgot to perform a couple that i wanted to include.
I tried to incorporate the false steps into the performance. The audience seemed to be engaged, and to like the way I picked myself up. Nevertheless, I really hated myself for the missteps.
No one cares as much as I do.
I'm trying to learn from the experience. What did I learn?
1. Practice more. Remember what Daniel Roop taught me years ago: Learn the poem so well you can perform it even if the audience throws tomatoes at you.
2. If you need a clip-on mike, rent one. Too many things can go wrong with a mike you don't know.
3. Announce more than once that there are books for sale. Make sure that the sale area is well-lighted.
4. Focus on the positive after a performance and build on that.
5. Let go of the last time, of comparisons.
Positives:
The Laurel Theatre was full.
The younger poets who opened the show really rocked the house (Darren Jackson and Josh Robbins).
We were able to play some passages of David Del Tredici's composition of my poetry, and the audience really seemed to enjoy the musical moments.
Kali Meister sang a few measures of "Stop in the Name of Love" and "Angel Baby" to go with my poems. She rocked!
And most important, I was given an incredible gift by the Knoxville Writers' Guild--a numbered copy of the Sarajevo Haggadah. This book is a jewel, one I could never have afforded myself. Candance Wages gave a little speech of tribute to me and my involvement with the Guild, and gave me this extraordinary gift of a lifetime!
So stop whining and get on with the show! Marilyn
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Evie Shockley says:
i'm a perfectionist, too
I'd give you advice on forgiving oneself if I was any good at doing it! Sounds like it was a thoroughly enjoyable evening for everyone besides you, for what it's worth! : )
Marilyn Kallet says:
You too, eh? Argh.
Maybe it's time to get back to meditation. And to the advice our mothers used to give us about learning from the past. (Though my mother was my toughest critic, and never let go of much. Maybe that's what I'm really grappling with here!)
Thanks for being on the planet, Ms. Evie!
Cheryl L Snell says:
When I was playing
piano recitals, I'd always make a mistake in a spot that had never gone badly before. It's like I always tell Krishna--there's no point in worrying about the thing you expect to trip you up. You're bound to be sucker-punched by something else entirely.
Cheryl Snell
www.shivasarms.blogspot.com
Marilyn Kallet says:
You're Right about the Sucker Punches!
It gets back to being agile and ready, and open. Back to the breathing!
Rosy Cole says:
Audiences will forgive
Audiences will forgive anything provided you trust them and give the performance everything you've got. It's being short-changed by false modesty they resent.
You have all my admiration for your courage in performing your own work.
Forgive yourself, Marilyn. People are dying of cancer and starvation.
It will have been far worse for you than for them. It says everything that you filled the theatre!
Marilyn Kallet says:
You're Wise
Yes, yes, to giving the performance everything you've got! Thanks, Rosy--
Debra Dylan says:
Honey, I've seen Lucinda
Honey, I've seen Lucinda Williams in concert make 3 false starts on a song, and then say "fuck it", and moved on to the next song. It happens to everyone who dares to stick her neck out. That's what makes artists heroes to so many. They have courage. And, what you personally bring to a reading is so gracious, fun and clever - it is our absolute pleasure to be in the room with you. I was so proud of the way KWG's honored you. You are one of the things that makes Knoxville so cool. (What was this bullshit about a job interview?) Don't you ever leave. We need you.
Marilyn Kallet says:
You're a goddess!
Thanks for the great comments here, which I take to heart. I really appreciate your encouragement of poetry, and of my work in particular.
The job interview--my husband had an offer elsewhere, so they brought me to another campus. But lately he's been successful in starting a new institute at UT, and so we're truly settled here now. I"m glad! I really didn't want to move.
Debra Dylan says:
Good. And yes, you should be
Good.
And yes, you should be the Poet Laureate of UT.
Marilyn Kallet says:
Aw, thanks!
Now I just need for UT to think so! :)
Kendra Altmann says:
Moving On
Well, if you want my opinion... every performer makes mistakes, but the audience rarely knows about it. Handling a mistake by incorporating it into the performance is the best way to move on. Also, the more times you get out there, the smoother and flawless the performance. So, just get more practice, like in the DC area sometime?
-cheers-
Marilyn Kallet says:
Kendra, thanks for your great message!
I love the idea of more practice--just point me in the right direction!
And even more so, of performing in your area. I'll keep my eye out for opportunities.
Love to the most talented family I know--xxxx Marilyn