Duane Tolbert Gish, American Biochemist and Outspoken Member of the Creationist Movement

(by Patricia V. Davis -  Ph.d in Patrichism, Certified  FRE*)

All religions based on the teachings of Abraham, Mohammed, Christ, or whomever else you’re partial to, started out as marvelous ideas, I’m sure. But through extensive study, here’s what I discovered happened: One fateful day, Satan said to his minions, “Wait a moment! ─ I’ve just had an idea that might make this religion stuff work for me!”

And with that, he consulted with Tony Blair’s tailor and Sylvio Berlusconi’s plastic surgeon for a make-over.

After which, he went out and hired the British Council, the U.S. Senate, Rupert Murdoch, Karl Rove, Bud Selig, the first O.J. Simpson trial jury, Michael Moore’s film editors, six Gen-Y class valedictorians, twelve zealots in pursuit of a cause, but who wanted to wear fur and eat meat and had by no means read Orwell, and nine widowed old ladies who’d never achieved orgasm.

These dynamic disciples, who the Devil named “The Revelation Delegation", brainstormed a business plan, which re-scripted all the religions of the globe.  

Somehow ─ and this is where my theory needs more research ─ they managed to sell all of us the revised versions, through which we learned:

•    To memorize lists of sins, degrees of sin, and the punishments for them.

•    Which foods are “clean,” and which foods are “dirty.”

•    That our babies are born permeated with vice, and in order to purge them of that vice, we must pierce, peel, oil, splash, dunk, paint, decorate, or bind them.

•    Anything that’s too much fun or feels too good will send us to Hell. (“Bingo Night” is the one exception.)

•    If we don’t do what they tell us with our hair, beards, and head gear, our souls will stay soiled forever.

•     That shame, remorse, hunger, pain, abstention, untreated illness, and Irritable Bowel Syndrome, are all virtues.

•    War, famine, pestilence, global warming, Rick Santorum, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Us magazine, and the popularity of Donald Trump and Joan Rivers on reality TV, are all beyond any of our control. It’s God’s Supreme Intelligence behind all that, and we just have to have faith that He knows what He’s doing.

•    Good people follow our religion. Bad people don’t. We should try to change the bad people’s minds and make them be good, but if we can’t, it’s better for them if we torment and/or kill them.

•    Last and most essential, that when all benevolent religious leaders of the world stated, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” they did not mean, to quote from Bill and Ted,  “Be excellent to each other” and “Party on, dudes.” What they actually meant was, “Do It unto others before they Do It unto you.”

And that’s pretty much the present world’s religions explained.

...Any questions?

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*Patricia Volonakis Davis has a self-proclaimed doctorate in Patrichism and  is a Certified FRE (Failed Relationship Expert)