My son in Crisis
I sit here in the midst of a crisis that I never imagined I would have to deal with. I am clueless as to how to handle this situation. My son, all of 11 years old, told me today that he tried to commit suicide at his dad's house. The funny thing is that I was 13 the first time I tried to kill myself. Life was unbearable with my adoptive mother; there was no pleasing her. It was my fault we were poor, my fault she didn't have a boyfriend, my fault that her life sucked... the list went on and on. Now my son is in a similar situation with his step-mother. She doesn't like children and says it is because of their stupidity. I never heard her say this myself, but I have heard her say that she never wanted children and didn't understand why others did. She also didn't understand how one could want to be a teacher or daycare provider. She literally hates children. For years she tried desperately to get the doctors to allow her to have her tubes tied and only recently succeeded in that endeavor.
Things have been bad between the two for pretty much their entire relationship, which started about 8 years ago. My son despises her because of how she treats him. She has low tolerance for children, their behavior, and their quirks. This past weekend she got fed up with him not checking his pants pockets before they go in the washer and she cut all of his pockets out of his pants. All of his pants. I personally don't agree with this, but it happened at her house, so what can I do? I have a husband who does trim carpentry and I ALWAYS find nails, carpenter's pencils, and other various things in my washer after washing a load of his jeans. Sure, it is annoying, but it is to be expected. No one is perfect, right?
My son's father and I split up when he was 3 years old. He had only been 3 for about a month or so before his dad moved out after a close friend told me he had been sleeping with one of my neighbors. I couldn't believe that he would do that, but it made sense. We had grown apart since I had gotten pregnant with our child, and my post-partum depression didn't help. He coped by finding comfort with another woman to whom he is now married. I myself didn't deal well with the situation and lost custody of my son due to a techincality. I was stupid. I made a bad decision that I thought was a good one based on lousy attorney advice. I let my emotions totally get away from me and I lost custody of my son. I feel tremendous guilt about it every single day of my life since then. I basically sentenced my son to live a life with a woman who hated him. I know, I had no control over whom his father chose to be with, but still, I take the blame. My ex-husband doesn't see what is happening, or, if he does, he simply has just decided to turn a blind eye to it. I dont' know. What I do know is that I cannot say anything without the threat of losing what little custody I have of my son now.
So what do I do? My son is crying for help, whether it be for real or to simply get his father's attention. It is one that I hesitate to disregard becasue, what if? What if he really did try to kill himself? What if he tries again and succeeds? I can't lose my oldest child. It would kill me. I live for my children, both of them, and can't imagine living life without either one of them. What do I do?
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Sangay Glass says:
First, I'm not a legal expert. I can only suggest help.
All threats of suicide need to be taken seriously without hesitation. This is not information you should keep to yourself. If your son has mentioned an exact plan of suicide, he needs to be watched and evaluated immediately.
This site has numbers for national and state helplines to get you started: http://suicidehotlines.com/
Take control of the urge to blame the new wife because doing so will only delay getting help for your son. Talk to your husband. Mention what your son told you without judgment or blame and together work on a plan to get him help as soon as possible.
I wish all the best for your son, he is in my prayers.
Vicki Nikolaidis says:
things you can do
It's very important that you take your son seriously.
When you do have time to spend with him or talk on the phone to him, he may not feel like talking but your company may be just enough, when he feels like talking, respect his words even if you don't agree. it's good to say things like, i understand, or I will try to understand. the more he talks the better.
Dear Terra,
I was in his position when i was a teenager and it would have helped if someone would have said to me, you are going through a really rough time now but it will pass. time passes and situations change. You have choices.knowing that I had choices would have really helped. such as growing up and moving out, studying hard to get more choices, etc.
If you can't spend time with him
send him simple loving notes, a short, sweet 'i love you' phone call, a book, a stuffed toy, a food that he likes anything you can to show him you are thinking of him.
Also i have a wonderful therapist, who is an excellent listener and able to offer steps I can take to battle depression. Learning to restate my thoughts and post an affirmation next to me (an affirmation I need myself to hear) have been priceless.
Here's a book I asked my husband and daughters to read, it's been helpful.
"what to do when someone you love is depressed" A practical, compassionate and helpful guide" by Mitch Golant, Ph.D and Susan K. Golant
if you, your son's father and his wife use the suggestions in the book, you may find the situation will improve to some degree.
get yourself a talk therapist you trust. people who love people with the illness of depression, need support too.
(I have been helped immensely by anti-depressants. you must find a doctor he trusts. The anti-depressants have helped lift me out of the dark place where i am powerless back into the life where i have choices. he may not have the illness as deeply as i do but perhaps anti-depressants are an option under the close guidance of a doctor. the use of drugs is a personal choice, i can only tell you, they have helped me.)
i'm speaking from my own experience in the hopes you will find something helpful for yourself and your son. My thoughts are with you!
Mary Wilkinson says:
If you want my opinion it is
If you want my opinion it is the step-mother who needs help. She sounds totally cracked.
Sumathi Mohan says:
Son in crisis
The complexity of the situation is alarming. A woman is always torn between her spouse and her children. A residential school at this age would give your son a peer company and can help him keep away from distressing situations at home till he grows up to understand things. Meanwhile one can keep fingers crossed, leaving things to the power of the Almighty. You need to cry your heart out first, for the load you carry in your heart is too heavy to bear. Spread your arms, look up, and scream it out, in the solitary of your room or in an isolated place, as though lamenting loud. You can suggest this to your child too. This will help you lighten, believe me. Then sit down to think practically by writing down the problems and two alternate solutions within your means. If nothing seems right, close your eyes and say to Almighty I leave this problem in your jurisdiction, for its not in my hands. Sister, I have tried this and the most difficult problems in my life had sorted out by itself. This is just a suggestion out of my concern for you, after reading you.
Sue Glasco says:
Tell your son...
Can you contact his school counselor? And, of course, your ex-husband. Your son must be taken seriously until his depression is better. Tell your son that your friends on RR are cheering for him. Many many people have been as depressed as he is--yet they get better. Assure him he will too. I liked all Vicki's helpful suggestions and certainly Sumathi's suggestion for appeals to God for your son's care are in order. Sure sorry you ex-husband married a woman who does not like children!!!!
Terra Moore says:
Thank you everyone.
I took action and my son is getting help. His father and stepmother aer not totally on board with this. They can't see that there is a problem and I am tired of trying to get them to see. I spoke to the school counselor, the school principal, and yesterday we found a counselor recommended by the school counselor. Fortunately, they seem to have hit it off. The counselor is great... I really felt comfortable speaking with her as did my son. Even though my ex didn't want to have him evaluated at the hospital (it's too expensive he said), I decided that it would be good for him to see someone. They have formulated a plan of safety that he uses in school, at my house and at his dad's house. Hopefully this will help him. He has many issues ranging from dad and step mom to the new baby brother he will be meeting in two short months. It isn't easy being almost 12. He is crying out for help, for someone to listen to him, and I hope that he realizes that I AM listening. Only time will tell if this works.
Again, thanks for your support and kind words.