Red Room Where the Writers Are

Why Glenn Beck and I (and even Deepak Chopra) agree – We’re doomed.

 

The following comprises an imaginary conversation between two of today’s most influential thinkers (with an interjection here and there by a renowned spiritual philosopher):

RB: “We’re doomed.”

GB: “You can say that again.”

RB: “Okay. We’re...”

GB: “Doomed because activist judges are destroying the sanctity of marriage.”

RB: “No, because blowhards like you even care about who marries whom.”

Chopra: “Now, now, gentlemen. Name calling is not productive.”

RB: “Sorry, my bad. We’re doomed because our kids’ thumbs are the only part of their bodies that get any exercise. Super-sized sodas, junk food, obesity, an epidemic of diabetes. That’s why we’re...”

GB: “We’re doomed because Obama is out to tax Coke and Sunny Delite to pay for his socialist agenda. But, that’s nothing. We’re doomed because our lefty president (who, by the way is not even a real American) is a weakling who refuses to do his job—protecting us from terrorists. Mark my words! We’re gonna have another 9/11 because he’s taking his eye off the ball, trying to pull off a government take-over of health care.”

RB: “We’re doomed because 16,000 Americans are losing their health insurance every day and 18,000 die every year because they don’t have any. That’s six times the number of people killed on 9/11—EVERY YEAR! We’ve dumped more money into Iraq and Afghanistan than it would take to insure every single American—and now you conservatives say we can’t afford universal coverage.”

GB: “Exactly. Because Tim Guithner and his socialist pals have mortgaged our children’s future by just printing up more money to pay for a ‘stimulus’ that hasn’t stimulated anything.”

RB: “Socialist? That’s a good one! Guithner has pitched his tent so far up Wall Street’s large intestines, he just nods and winks while too-big-to-fail banks use their TARP billions to shore up their cooked books.”

Chopra: “That, gentlemen, just goes to prove that money is imaginary, something we humans made up. One day, a company is worth zillions and its stockholders are all rich. The next, the same company is bankrupt and its shares are worth doodlysquat. We’re doomed if we refuse to look inside ourselves and recognize our true worth.”

GB: “Oooooweee, Deepak, that’s a laugh. How much are you worth?”

RB: “We’re doomed because racism is back big time. Mr. Beck here and his white-supremacist tea-party friends are out to make sure Obama fails—because he’s black.”

GB: “We’re doomed because our mixed-race president hates white people. He won’t rest until every blood line in this country is corrupted and our treasury is pillaged to give blacks restitution.”

(This impassioned statement is followed by a well-timed, red-faced bursting into tears.)

RB: “If you really want something to cry about, Beck, think about this: we’re doomed because corporations and their lobbyists have hijacked our democracy.”

GB: “We’re doomed because ACORN is ripping off tax money to run whore houses while Hugo Chavez fans like you are determined to regulate capitalism out of existence.”

Chopra: “Once again, name calling is not...”

RB: “How about global climate change, huh? It’s wiping out polar bear habitats, causing drought and...”

GB: “Oh, you and that egomaniac, Al Gore, feeding the world a bunch of malarkey, trying to kill the economy with all your scare mongering...”

RB: “Gimme a break! Takes an egomaniac to know one. And scare mongering? You and your cronies, Hannity and Limbaugh and O’Reilly use your bully pulpits to encourage every radical with a screw loose to load up his arsenal and kill abortion doctors. It’s only a matter of time...”

GB: “...until this black president takes our guns away. Doomed, I tell ya!”

RB: “We’re doomed because civility has all but disappeared in the country.”

Chopra: “That’s the truth.” (high fives Bishop)

GB: “We’re doomed because you and your traitor pals all think we can sweet talk our enemies into playing nice.”

RB: “Oh, sure! You and your neo-con buds think you can democratize the world with smart bombs. And why, sir, is it cool for Sarah Palin to go to Hong Kong and badmouth the president, when the Dixie Chicks...?”

GB: “The Dixie Chicks! Can’t you pinkoes get over that? Why is it when you and your tree-huggin’, peacenik, hippie friends protested the Iraq invasion, that was fine and dandy? But, when a hard-working, upright citizen goes to a town hall meeting and uses his first amendment rights to discuss health care, you get your panties in a wad?”

RB: “Upright citizen? Don’t you mean corporate shill?”

Chopra: “Okay, okay, you guys. Peace. Let’s not focus on what we can’t agree on, but on the things we can... like...”

RB and GB (in unison): “We’re doomed.”

Chopra: “Good. See, that wasn’t so hard. What else?”

RB: “Guithner’s gotta go.”

GB: “Amen, brother!”

Chopra: “Now we’re getting somewhere.”