Red Room Where the Writers Are

 June 7, 2009 

Let’s Talk About It

 My best friend Batman, and me were sitting on the back porch throwing down the buds, and talking. I told him what I thought was going on, about me daughter being on drugs. I told him, cankers have cretin things that they all do, one is talking so fast you can't understand what they are saying because they run their words together. They make dates with propel, and are either late as hell, or they just don't show up at all. No phone call, telling you that they will be a little late, or their not going to be able to make it. Or anything, just leave you hanging, and wondering what the hell is going on. Batman told me that I had to chill out, and just wait for her to be good and ready to meet me, and for me to think about one thing, she has too be as curios as to what I look like, as I am her. Well that did make a little sense to me, but that was probably because I had drank six Buds. And for a change, I was in a good mood, which didn't happen too often anymore.(Check out thebirthofviolence.com) 

June 9, 2009 

The Keyword Is Patience 

Dawn finally called me, and we talked on my cell phone for quite some time. I told her that everything was cool with me; I mean I'm not advertising that I am still a bit upset. If I want a relationship with her, regardless of how I feel, I just have to bite the bullet on this one and move forward, and hope for the best, and keep my mouth shut. Wish I could take out an insurance policy on this one, because the way this is going now, I think that I could use it. I thought about asking her if she wanted to go to a restaurant and have dinner on the up coming weekend, but decided not to. Although I did decide to ask her if she would like to come up to the house and have a BBQ the following weekend. She said that would be cool and me like a dummy got my hopes in to seeing her again. I told her that if she felt uncomfortable coming alone, she could bring a girlfriend. She said that would be cool. Then we had to talk about something very important, and that was her going to court. If everything that she told me was true, and the cops did in fact set her up; she would need a paid lawyer, not a public defender, who basically works for the county, and doesn't give a rat’s ass what is going to happen to my daughter, one way or another. I sat back, and thought of what I could sell, to get some money up for a real lawyer, but I drew a blank, as I had no money in the bank, and no way of getting any! (thebirthofviolence.com, II, is getting close to being finished) June 10, 2009 The BBQ I called Dawn Friday night to confirm that she was indeed coming on Saturday. She told me that she was definitely coming for sure. I was just so happy, that I was going to finally see her after all of these years. I went to Sam's Club that evening, and spent $150.00 that I surely did not have; on the BBQ. I guess I just want for her to have a big meal, and a good time, as that was the least that I could do for her. For a change I was happy again, I even sat out on the back porch with my best friend BattMan, and drank a bunch of buds. I couldn't have been happier, because I thought that I had blown it with my daughter, and I would have never seen her. I don't know if it was because of all the buds that I had that night, or if I just needed a good night’s sleep, as it has been a long time since I had one. That night when I went to bed, I was content, and happy. I slept like a log, and when I got up the next day, I was feeling hella good, because I knew that this would be one of the best days of my life. I called Dawn to make sure that she was coming, and she said that she was, but she would be a little bit late. Little did I know that day turned out to be the day from hell! (The Birth of Violence II, Out of control) 

June 11, 2009 

Waiting Ever More 

After I called Dawn, I decided to clean up a bit more. I went out to the back porch; looked around, and decided to do the yard first. The has a 10,000, square foot yard, and it takes some time to pick it, because of all of the large trees. It was about ten o'clock, and it was getting hot, so I went to the refrigerator, and got a nice cold Bud, it was the only thing that quenched my thirst when it was hot. I finished that one and went back to the yard. I started to cut the lawn, but ran out of gas, so I went and got some gas, filled up the lawn mower, and decided to get another Bud, to fill me up. The yard was so big; I had to stop mid way through, and get another Bud, and take a small break. I'm sitting there watching the time, and wondering if she really is going to show up, or leave me hang like before. All of these people that were here were consistently watching me, to see how I would react, to Dawn being late. I told them that she would be there; she is just going to be a bit late, and not to worry about it. Well, one o'clock rolled around, and no Dawn. I just thought that she had something that she had to do before coming up. I got another Bud, sat at the bar looking at the clock, and two o'clock rolled around. I didn’t want to be around anybody, as I was starting to get pissed. I got my cell phone, and gave her a call. Her phone rang, and rang, but no answer, and knew what was going to happen again. The awful taste of disappointment started to set in, and then I heard someone on the television say that it was four o'clock, and even though I did not want to believe that she could do this to me once again, it sure looked like she did!(Always keep a bottom of aspirin around, as you never know when you are going to need it!) 

June 12, 2009 

Sitting Outside Pissed Off 

I sat as far away from everyone else, drank my Bud, and did my sulking. I got my cell phone and called her. As usual, she would not answer, and the answering machine came on and I left her a message to please call me. About that time, I was so pissed, I decided to go, and get on the Internet and send Dawn a message, and let her know exactly how I felt. I should have known better, but the sun, the Buds, and Dawn had me screwed up, and I wasn't thinking, I was mad, and I was going to tell her just how I felt. I started my computer, and let my anger take over my thinking. I told her that I know that she was doing crank, and probably selling it, as she wasn't working. The way I saw it, was if you are not working, how do you pay your bills. Rent, cell phone, food, gas, and so on. I was convinced she was a full blown prankster, and it made me sick to think that this was happening to my daughter, and there wasn't a damn thing that I could do about it. I told her so much crap, I couldn't remember it all. I do remember telling her that I wish that I had never started the search for her, and that I should not have wasted all of this time looking for her. I also told her that I wished that I stayed back east and started a family, and got on with my life! (And life is a bitch!) 

June 14, 2009 

Tell Her to Go Away 

A blind man could see that she is five hours late, she wasn't coming. Those rib eye stakes were an inch and a half thick, and I had no appetite, because I was so bummed out I couldn't eat. I told one of my friends to go ahead and cook the stakes up, my daughter is not coming, and I went to my bedroom, and said the hell with it all! I lay there in my bed, staring at the ceiling wondering why would she do this to me, why would she tell me that she was coming and not show up, what is up with that? My cell phone started to ring; I ignored it, as if it was Dawn, I would just hear another lie. I've had it, this was the final straw, and I could take no more. It felt like someone ripped out my heart and flushed it down the toilet. I guess my feelings mean nothing to my daughter, or should I say, Dawn, as I have no daughter; a daughter would not do this to her father, her real father! I should have never gone there, and I am damn sorry that I did! The land phone rang, and I ignored that one as well. Someone knocked on my door, and I yelled "WHAT!" It was Steve, and he said that my daughter was on the phone, and she was almost her, and needed to know how to get to the house. I told him in an unconcerned voice, you know what? Six hours late is unacceptable, tell her to take a hike, I don't want to see her. I turned up the television, and lit a cigarette, and thought about my life insurance policy, and who I would leave everything to. There was another knock at the door again, it was Steve's girlfriend George, and she yelled, your daughter is out front; go see her. I looked at her picture on my desk, and I thought to myself, well at least go see what she looks like, and then tell her to hit the road. I got up and went outdoors, walked to the end of the driveway, and looked down one side of the street, and then the other. I saw two females sitting in their car, and they didn't look like they were coming to the house, so I turned around and went back inside. (Never jump the gun) 

June 14, 2009 

Getting To Know Each Other 

As I stood behind the bar, and looked her over to see if she had any of the family traits. She had long healthy hair like me, and beautiful deep blue eye's, but other than that, she didn't look like me. She did not look her mother, but she did resemble my mother. I went and got a picture of her Grandmother, mother, and her. I looked at this picture a lot, and she did not resemble anybody on her mother's side, I guess that was a good thing. I had so many questions to ask her, but forgot most of them from being so excited to see her. Kim was a cool lady, and very attractive. She was in real good shape, and she had these eye's that were so warm when she looked at you. She had short blond hair, and the more that I looked at her, the more familiar her face became to me. I asked her, do I know you? You look awful familiar too me. She said the same thing, and asked me if I knew this person, or that person, but I did not. I poured them another shot of vodka, these two were drinking it straight, I couldn't handle that, I had to mix it with something to kill that vodka taste. They were served dinner, me I could not eat because of the excitement. As they ate I was looking at her pretty face, and asking her questions, and at first you could feel the tension in the air, but as we got to know one another, the air cleared and we became comfortable with one another. Well, I had to tell her that I left her a mean message on her computer, and I told her that I was just really pissed off, because I thought that she was shinning me on, I had to apologize to her once more. They were getting cold, and told me that they would be right back. They got up and left, as I watched her walk away. I couldn't believe that I am actually looking at my daughter, in my house. (The habit of apologizing) 

June 15, 2009

 The Night Went On 

When they came back in, Kim had a laptop in her hand. She sat down and turned it on I never thought that she would pull up that message that I sent Dawn, matter of fact, I didn't even know she was looking at the message I sent. Nobody said anything, so we sat there and drank, talked like we were old friends for quite some time. I decided that I needed a recent picture of Dawn, so I got the digital camera, and took a couple of pictures of her and her girlfriend. The next day, I looked at the pictures and in both pictures; she had her eyes closed. That's okay, I will get another one and the next time, I'll make sure that she keeps her eyes opened. I don't understand it; she has some of the most beautiful blue eyes that I have ever seen. We talked about her mother, and how she was; she already knows that I knew who her father was. She told me that he has had two by-pass surgeries, but he is fine now. Then she started to talk about her getting busted, and by the way that they were telling me that it went down, it sure did sound like a set-up to me. Wish I had some money put away for a rainy day. They both said how good the food was, and wanted to know if they could charge Dawn's cell phone. I told them no problem, and pointed to the outlet at the end of the bar. Well it was getting late, and Dawn said that they had to go. She asked me if I had bridge toll money. I took out my wallet, and gave her the last five bucks that I had. Then in that cute little squeaky voice, she asked me, do you thing you could get me some gas. I told her no problem. Turned of the television, and we headed for the gas station, got her some gas and they dropped me off at the house. As I was getting out, Kim reach over and gave me a hug, and told me that it was nice to meet me. I told her the same, and when I got out, Dawn climbed out of the back seat, and to my surprise she gave me a big hug. I told her that I loved her and they took off. I watched them until they were out of site, and I missed her already. 

June 16, 2009

 Finding Out The Truth 

Last nigh was absolutely great, after we got over the first hurdle, of course. I felt so much better after I finally met her, as I did not think that it was going to happen, but it did, and I am happy again. It made me feel like I had not wasted my time looking for Dawn. She was very nervous, and so was I, but it passed very quickly, and even though we had not known one another, I felt very close to her. I don't know for sure, but I think that before the night was over, she felt the same way; I surely do hope so, but I realize that I can not make her love me, she will have to do that on her own. Bottom line, it was not hard for me to do it, so it should not be hard for her to do it either. I guess only time will tell. I got a call on my cell phone, I answered it, and to my surprise it was Dawn's girlfriend Kim. The television was too loud, so I told her to hang on; I have to turn down the TV. I went outside so I could hear her better, but the neighbor had his stereo so loud, I had to go back inside so I could hear her. What she told me really made me see the light, so to speak. She told me that Dawn wants to talk to me on the Internet, because it did not make her as nervous as it did when she talked to me on the phone. She went on to tell me that Dawn is not on crank or anything else. Kim told me that Dawns Large is really torn up, and she can't even take an aspirin. She is in constant pain, and can not even take pain pills for that. She also told me that Dawn had no money, which meant that she wasn't eating like she was, suppose to, and this messed up her metabolism, and her adrenaline would increase, which made her seem like she was on speed. She also told me that Dawn was so nervous about seeing me she almost did not come, and after Kim was close to my house, she wanted to turn around and go back home. I told Kim thank you very much, now I know what is going on with her. This is all my fault, if I hadn't been so pushy with her, things would have went a lot better, and we would not had to go through all of this.(The next Bog’s are going to be from my book, The Birth of Violence. Hope that you enjoy them.) 

June 17, 2009 

I See The Light Now 

Boy after talking to Kim, I felt so damn bad, because I judged Dawn on assumptions, not on what she was telling me. Not to try and make excuses for myself, but everything pointed to what I thought was happening with her. All the signs were there, and it was tearing me apart to think that my little girl was on dope, and selling it. Like I said before, 'she will never hear the words, "I apologize," ever come out of my mouth again. From now on, I will take everything as it comes, and not speculate on what I may think of, this, that, and what not. I do believe they call it "In your Face,” and I'll believe it when I see it from now on. I don't want to go where I went before, and I guess what they say about an old dog, can't learn new tricks. The only thing bad about this is it is a hard lesson to learn. My cell phone went out, I have to get some money out of the bank and buy another one, so Dawn can get in touch with me if she needs to.(Come follow me on Twitter.com)  June 18.2009 

Communication