As the election finally comes to a grinding three year close and the debates switch from stuff that mean nothing to an election to "Mean Stuff" that means nothing to an election, Aren't you still glad that we have gotten to know over these years the real inner workings of both Senator John McCain and Senator Barack Obama?

The real issues that are of major national economic, international and security concerns.

For instance, I found that Senator McCain could probably never be a great president because he did not give eye contact during that debate. Or, if you you even vaguely know anybody in the world and they do something horrible? Well you are sort of to blame.

I learned that fist bumping means you are a terrorist which means the owners of the NFL support terrorist with all of the fist bumping in the end zone

I learned that African garb is terrorist Al Queda clothing, which means that Paul Simon needs to be deported because he worked with Ladysmug Brown Zamboni. Or whatever that group is called.

The insight of knowing that living in a box is a logical reason to explain why you don't know how many houses you have, and that Uppity really does not mean what it means. Get me to a polling booth immediately! I got to vote for the guy who is for the everyman with his very rich beer wife in the Edith Head dress.

But these are small compared to the biggest realization and love of all: I learned that if you say anything in any sort of media outlet, making it folksy and personal? It has to be true. Better yet. If you don't go to the media at all and let them pull your sound bytes off? It is not manipulative at all. That, if you start a blog on a popular website with hits? Some news outlet is going to pick it up and make a big splash out of it. You might just get credited as vetting a Vice President from your mother's home and end up on Jon Stewart.

And this is why I'm here.

So this is where you, get your chance to make your ad homonyms, bold face lies and just stuff you think is really mean come true. I call this Contest the "What John McCain/Barack Obama Did to me Extravaganza!"

Here is how it works.

All quotes must start off with either John McCain or Barack Obama

1. They all have to be personal.
2. They have to be completely ridiculous and non factual.
   Examples:
   • Barack Obama once beat my sister in law up with the Koran.
   • John McCain told me I would be better as a blonde with a better credit line!
3. Be cool with the swearing. I'm all over bad words. The SF Gate is not.
   

Extra points: Tying in your ridiculous unfactual statement with a current real statement

Super points: Tying in your ridiculous personal unfactual statement with a current unfactual statement

Contest ends October 31st.

The Prize.

I will give a set of Tickets to see me perform with The Irish Mutts and Oui Be Negroes November 1st 2008 at The Darkroom Theater. If I'm lucky, Someone will give me something super cool and I will add on more prizes.

Post them here either here on the Redroom, (and I will put them on sfgate where the original blog lives) or go directly to my sfgate blog in the comment section. Go nuts, and have fun, you wondreful patrons of The Redroom. really lucky? CNN or Fox news might come along and actually use it as *real news*

This contest is not associated with The San Francisco Chronicle or either of the campaigns. If you push me hard enough, it might not be associated with me either.