Go forth, ye pilgrims, to Chichen Itzá and Tikal in search of Mayan prophecy and New Age Rapture, so that ye may spare we skeptics the long buffet lines at Down to Earth that we have so long endured...

And whilst you await divine inspiration—amusing the true Mayan descendants with thine fanny packs and crystals—do partake in the local economy and buy an abundance of native textiles.

Where will you be on December 21, 2012?

If Y2K was any example, I expect the most we'll do here in Hawaii is hunker down with extra batteries, rice and toilet paper. We islanders can endure any catastrophe—even a Matson strike, God forbid—but the day we can't have our two scoops of rice and wipe our ass after, is the day marking the end of the world.

My fears surrounding 2012 involve the human element. Magnetic polar reversals and the collapse of the magnetosphere are beyond my control. It's the crazies with their own polar issues who scare me. In the midst of global events, we occupy ourselves with celebrity, conjure conspiracies and arm ourselves.

Now, I'm not claiming to be above it all. I can't account for the hours spent Googling Heenes, Schulers, Propofol and burning rabbits (yes, the Swedes are burning 6,000 bunnies as biofuel—admit it, even YOU can't look away) instead of writing and painting. While I justify my fascination with crazies by claiming an understanding of human nature and its extremes is fodder for good fiction, what exactly is going on?

Timothy Melly, in his book Empire of Conspiracy: The Culture of Paranoia in Postwar America, believes this phenomenon arises when someone 1) holds strong individualist values (their right to free choice without interference from a larger entity) and 2) lacks a sense of control. Hmmm...that sounds like 60% of Americans, or more. And while Momma Nature can hardly be regarded as a bureaucracy hellbent on destruction and deception, she has been kicking our ass lately, and making us feel mighty humble. Powerless. Paranoid. But I believe our susceptibility (or gullibility) goes further than reactionary individuals feeling small and helpless—I think we Americans have become intellectually lazy (I said "we," so don't you go calling me anti-American).

So here's the lowdown.

According to Archaeology Magazine, the publication of the Archaeological Institute of America, the Mayans had an odometer, the Long Count. However,

"when the Maya odometer turns over, after 13 baktuns (5,125.37 years), the world begins anew. Your car, on the other hand, just gets older and one step closer to the junkyard."

It seems obvious that if the last cycle of creation occurred 5,100 years ago, when time ended and the world began anew, then we should look at what was going on in 3100 BC. Work began in Stonehenge. Upper and Lower Egypt were unified, creating the first Egyptian dynasty. Sumer developed as the first center of Mesopotamian civilization. Poor Otzi the Iceman was murdered in the Alps. Well what do you know, there were no cataclysmic events, and it seems history was well underway before the cycle of creation began. Quoting Homer (Simpson), "Doh!"

As for the magnetosphere, that puppy has been wandering around since Earth's creation. Fueled by whirlpools and currents of liquid iron within the planet's outer core, this magnetic field protects us from a barrage of solar wind that would otherwise make Earth uninhabitable...as is Mars (aka Schwarzenegger in Total Recall—lifeless).

It waxes and wanes, and completely flips every 300,000 years or so, the last event occurring some 780,000 years ago. This, combined with measurements indicating that the magnetosphere has declined some 10%, prompt conspiracy theorists to believe another event is long overdue. However, according to NASA, there's no way to make such a prediction, and despite the decline, "Earth's present-day magnetic field is, in fact, much stronger than normal." Scientists studying magnetic strips around mid-ocean ridges have been able to track the history of Earth's magnetic field, dating back millions of years:

"They've also learned what happens during a magnetic flip. Reversals take a few thousand years to complete, and during that time--contrary to popular belief--the magnetic field does not vanish. "It just gets more complicated," says Glatzmaier. Magnetic lines of force near Earth's surface become twisted and tangled, and magnetic poles pop up in unaccustomed places. A south magnetic pole might emerge over Africa, for instance, or a north pole over Tahiti. Weird. But it's still a planetary magnetic field, and it still protects us from space radiation and solar storms."

A crazy planetary alignment with the plane of the Milky Way and the black hole at the center is another invention quoted by 2012 theorists as evidence for catastrophe. However, according to David Morrison, senior scientist at the NASA Astrobiology Institute,

"...there is no planetary alignment in December 2012. As to 'alignment with the center of the Milky Way' that is a meaningless phrase. It may sound scientific, but it is devoid of content. To put it bluntly, these claims on the Internet of alignments and catastrophe in December 2012 are lies. If more people...checked out these crazy claims, we would all be better off."

Will there be electronic disruption and a skyrocketing incidence of skin cancer should the poles flip? Who knows. Will it happen in 2012? A flip in the House and Senate would be more likely.

All I know is that if the Mayans are right, I'll be in Tahiti...watching the auroras, with an ample supply of rice and toilet paper.

©2009 Tammy Yee

 

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