Red Room Where the Writers Are

As I prepare to write this entry, I think in a way that forgiveness is a difficult for many of us as understanding can be. To forgive those that have wronged us can be a great challenge, and a difficult thing to anticipate being able to do.

For me, forgiveness has never been that tough for me. In part, because I have learned how to be a doormat my whole life, and just thought it was necessary to let myself be stepped on and hurt over and over again, and then say it was okay, less out of forgiveness, and more for my excusing of bad behavior. Friends that have not acted like real friends for a time, or ever, have never been actively forgiven for that negative behavior, but given dozens of chances in order for them to try again. I was forever saying “It’s okay”, when they would manage an apology of one kind or another.

You notice that I used the word “was” in that sentence, just there. Very real reason for that.

I don’t just say “It’s okay” anymore. I think that is because I learned forgiveness. I don’t think earlier in my development that I withheld forgiveness from others, I think I just didn’t believe that they had done anything bad enough to have to forgive. I think differently of that now. Actions on the part of others that bring us harm, hurt, devastation, or loss, are worthy for us to take some steps to heal them. And, the only thing that we have in our power to do, is forgive.

We cannot change what is happened; it is in the past as soon as it occurs. We cannot wish it away, deny it away, dream it away. I have tried these tactics, and they are never effective. We cannot make another person understand fully the impact of their actions upon us. We can try to explain how it has impacted on us, how we feel about it, but we cannot make them understand that. That has to be their active role.

Forgiveness allows us to do two main things, I believe. First of all, it puts effective control in our hands, in a situation where very little is in our control. When we are talking about the impact of the actions of others upon us, there is really little that we can do except deal with ourselves about it. Forgiveness can help us to feel less powerless, less victimized, more human and compassionate about a person or a situation.

The other, even bigger part that forgiveness does for us, is it allows us to move on. I believe that when we withhold forgiveness, if we hold onto anger or hurt or resentment about a situation, circumstance, or action, then we remain stuck, in that very place where the hurt occurred. And, not just with that person that inflicted the harm; with others that come along in the meantime as well. Forgiveness not given, builds up resentments one on top of another, and even if we wish for a happier, more balanced life for ourselves, we cannot have it until we have learned to forgive, and to genuinely and fully forgive.

Sure, forgiveness may be a relief for the other person who has wronged us, to help alleviate some guilt that they may or may not be experiencing. But the bigger bonus is for ourselves. You see, when we forgive others, as well as forgive OURSELVES, we have given ourselves a precious gift: FREEDOM….. freedom to live our lives, walk forward, and not be stuck in a place of resentment, and old wounds….

Who do you need to forgive in your life today? Even if you cannot verbally give them that forgiveness, what can you do for yourself to be able to release that negativity and fly freely?