Synopsis:

AFTER THE LAUNCH of Opium3, we left New York. We were tired of drinking too much, of staying up too late, of consuming endless quantities of Original Ray’s Pizza and peach-flavored Chupa Chups. Our sleep was jittery, our mornings achy and muddy-minded, our moods a far cry from steady. Opium was getting a short shrift. Of course, we blamed New York City for all of this.

WE THOUGHT San Francisco’s pretty views and early bedtimes would save us, and for a time, they did. While strolling through a bookstore, we uncovered David Allen’s Getting Things Done and virtually exploded with possibilities. We found nutrition, ate raw for a time, wrote mounds of fiction, committed seemingly endless hours to Opium’s online redesign, and still had time left over (to ogle You-Tube videos, take hourly peeks at ESPN headlines, and watch twelve episodes of Heroes…back to back).

BUT SOMETHING wasn’t right. We were taking ourselves, and our self-betterment, far too seriously—which is how Opium4, our Life Coach Issue, was born. In this bound copy of ohming optimism and boot-strapping good cheer, we take a stand against finger-pointing and mirror hoarding, declare self-seriousness the sworn enemy, and hopefully leave you floating in a cloud of clear-minded bliss. We promise it’s like nothing you’ve seen before, and better yet: we promise you’ll laugh.

WELCOME. We couldn’t be happier to have you join us.

Elizabeth Koch (Executive Editor) &
Todd Zuniga (Founding Editor)

Book Excerpt:

On the RUN!
by Jack Handey
Estimated reading time: 2:38

I remember the time I ran away from home.
The police were after me right away, and
I’ll tell you why: because home WAS THE
STATE PRISON!
I ran and ran. I came to some hoboes
around a fire. They offered me something to
eat. I noticed a hobo lying there, motionless.
“What’s with him?” I said.
“Oh, him,” another hobo said. They shared
a look. One even snickered. “I don’t think he’ll
be wanting any food, because, you see, HE’S
ASLEEP!”
The food had a funny taste. When I asked
what it was, the main hobo said it was a special
recipe. I insisted he tell me. He finally said it
was CAMPBELL’S PORK & BEANS!
“You don’t have to yell,” I said. I asked what
was in Campbell’s Pork & Beans. “Beans,” he
said. As I lifted a spoonful into my mouth he
said something else: “And DEAD PIG!”
I spit it out and ran from the hoboes’ camp.
I ran until I was out of breath. I pulled out a
map to get my bearings. Then I remembered, I
DON’T KNOW HOW TO READ A MAP! I threw
the map down, then went back to get it, because
THAT’S LITTERING!
I ran into the woods and ducked inside
a cave. I was safe. Or so I thought. From the
darkness behind me, I heard a LOW, OMINOUS
GROWLING! I turned to see TWO EYEBALLS
IN THE DARK! It was a bear.
In a panic, I ran out, into the woods.
But soon the ground gave out beneath me.
I started sinking. Oh, no, I thought, THIS
IS QUICKSAND! But then I remembered
Jack Handey is a former staff writer for Saturday Night Live and
the author of several Deep Thoughts books. He lives in Santa Fe,
New Mexico. His website is JackHandey.com.
on
that I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS
QUICKSAND! But then I thought, maybe
this time it’s true, and THIS REALLY IS
QUICKSAND!
I called out for help. A farmer came
running. “Hold on,” he said. He held out a
stick for me to grab. But when I grabbed it,
my hands started burning. Then I realized
that IT WAS POISON IVY! The farmer said
he didn’t think it was poison ivy because
POISON IVY DOESN’T USUALLY GROW
IN A STICK-LIKE MANNER! Okay, then,
but WHY WERE MY HANDS BURNING?!
The farmer dragged me out. As he did,
I looked up and saw something horrible: I
WAS RIGHT BELOW HIS CROTCH! Then
there was something even worse: the horrible
smell of SWAMP GAS!
The farmer explained that swamp gas
had been released when he pulled me
from the quicksand. Maybe, I thought, but
WHAT IF HE SAID THAT JUST TO HIDE
HIS EMBARRASSMENT!
The cops came. Were they taking me
back to prison? No, they said, they WERE
TAKING ME BACK TO MY APARTMENT
IN CHELSEA! It turns out that I had just
thought I was in prison, and INSTEAD I
LIVE IN AN APARTMENT IN CHELSEA!
I hope you enjoyed this story, but if
you didn’t, THEN YOU’RE PROBABLY A
HOBO!

Write a Review »

Topics/Categories:

Humor, Literary Fiction, Parody, Self-Help

Genre:

American Short Stories, Anthologies, Satire

Type of Work:

Anthology

Publishers:

Opium Den LLC

Purchase From:

Opium's Magasin

Original Publish Date:

February 23, 2007

Formats:

Paperback

• Share With:
• 
• 
• 
• 
• 
•